Dona Nobis Pacem - Peace Globes - the 2010 edition

Yes I used the same quote last year - but I don't care.  It's one of my favourites.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Blog Blast for Peace

On November 4th, fly your globe proudly.  Join the Blog Blast for Peace movement.

To read about how it got started, go visit Mimi over at Bloggingham Palace .

To get your own peace globe for your blog, facebook or twitter, click here .


Join us in our quest.  It can't hurt, and can only help.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Forgive the sadness...

http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2010/07/mirror-hurts.html

Beautiful website - this one says it all for me today.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

One Day at A Time...

No more tomorrow.  There is only today, and the choices I make.

Today, I choose to make myself a better person.

Today, I choose to be productive; I choose to work on changing the things I can, instead of worrying about the things I can't.

Today, I choose to give my love freely and without strings.  And if that love is not returned, it will still live on.  Because my love is unconditional, and not based on what I will receive in return.

Today, I choose to eat and drink what is good for me, and I choose to monitor my smoking.

Today, I choose to ignore the negative and focus only on the positive.

Today, I choose to be happy.  I choose not to cry or be stressed in any way.

Today, I choose truth, even if it'll never be believed.

Today, I choose me.

I know it won't be easy, but it will be worthwhile.  I choose to fight for my life and my happiness.  And if others make their choice to be a part of it, I will be grateful and never take them for granted again.

Today, I choose to live, not just exist.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Hello again!

WOW.  I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated on here.  I guess mainly because it's going to be the same shit I've been whining about for years.

I wish the heart attack would have woken me up more, and in certain ways it did.  But I guess not in the ways that count.  My diet is horrible and it frustrates me because I know how to take care of it.  I just don't know why I'm so apathetic.

Let's see - is there anything good going on?  Just school.  I go back for my second class in two weeks.  I'm really excited although it's going to be harder than the first one.  But I know I can do it.

I've got a lot of other stresses happening in my life.  I won't comment on my marriage, because it never fails that something that I post here turns out to bite me in the ass.

Shit - I thought I had a lot to say but everything I try to write I wind up erasing it.  Nothing seems to be coming out right and I'm feeling physically like shit right now.  All I want to do is cry.

I know y'all want to offer comfort and advice - in fact that seems to be all you do because my life is just that pathetic.  But I'm going to leave this up - just because I guess.  Maybe a reminder to myself that I'm still alive somewhere inside.  But I'm turning off comments.

I'm just grateful for any of y'all's company.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Be careful what you wish for....

I'm overwhelmed.  Seriously.

I feel like I'm drowning.  I can barely breathe.  Each breath feels like my last.  I'm gasping and struggling, and I feel like I'm going down for the third time. 

And there's no one to rescue me.

I have to pull myself out of this somehow.  And as much as I'd love to be able to follow all of your wonderful advice, it's not sticking.

I know I said that Rod & I needed time apart.  And I'm beginning to wonder why I ever wanted that to begin with.

See, I started another blog (yes, another one. When it's ready, I might make it public).  And this one is the story of my marriage - unedited and unadulterated.  Just the facts m'am.  After all, he deserves the truth to be told, after all the coloured views of him I've posted on here.

I won't remember everything - it's a given.  But the major mistakes, the ones that stick out in my mind, and the ones that he constantly reminds me of, those will be in there.

I've never been the innocent one.  Y'all know me.  But he never deserved the treatment I gave him.

And now, this blog is forcing me to remember things that I'd forgotten, things I'd taken for granted.  And to tell you the truth - it's killing me.  Yeah, he's made mistakes.  But he always tried to make up for them.  All I ever did was screw up, and expect it to be forgiven.  He's said that again and again.  And he's right.  Because I am who I am - a spoiled princess.

I've only gotten one entry out - the night we met.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - remembering seeing him for the first time, hearing his voice in person, the way his lips felt with that first kiss goodnight.  Just with the memories, I'm falling all over again.

I suck.

I'm trying for a second entry, but now memories are just flooding me so hard, like I said, I'm drowning in them.  Amazingly enough, right now, there's more good then bad.  And that's because the bad are mostly my fault.

I know it's up to me to fix this, but I don't know where to even begin.

I want him to fall in love with me again.  But more importantly, I want to be a woman who deserves his love again.  Apparently at one point I was.  I want to be again. 

But be careful what you wish for.  I wished for time to myself, and it looks like I'm going to get it - and soon.  He says he's going to be gone first week in July.  That gives me two weeks to enjoy time with him, assuming he spends any time at home.

Now I'm wondering why I thought I wanted it in the first place.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

God Gave Me You

Maybe....hopefully.....


God Gave Me You (Dave Barnes)

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately,
Aint who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

Chorus:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely,
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you

(Yeah)

Chorus:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be, I,
Can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has teathered, I,
Could baby never un-do

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

It's Finally FRIDAY

Thank God I only have another *check clock* five hours or so to go before I can get out of here and try and enjoy my weekend.  And by enjoy I mean catch up on everything.

I took yesterday off.  I felt oogy and awful, and just needed more sleep.  Of course I also seriously over-caffeinated myself on Wednesday, which is one of the worst things you can do as a heart patient.  I have cut myself down to one large (or extra large depending on the day) double double from Tim's every morning.  And THAT'S IT.  I've cut out diet coke.  I even hardly drink any tea that's got caffeine.  I'm experimenting with herbals and fruit based ones.  But on Wed. I had my usual, and then I drank a diet coke (rare for me unless I'm mixing it but I ran out of spring water here at the office), and then before class I had one, and then one of the girls bought me a coffee on our fifteen.  So yeah, my body was doing insane things.

So I did manage to get some stuff done.  Like laundry.  Hubby had done a few loads - which I was kind of grateful for, but also kind of pissed me off because I think he shrunk my new white blouse which I've only worn twice - and so I put in one more and folded and put away what was done - mostly.  There's only two of us but somehow we accumulate a shit load of clothing. :S  Staying on top of it would be easier if I didn't share the laundry with my mom.  Who happens to be the BIGGEST procrastinator on laundry (next to me).

So - laundry done.  Then I swept all the crap off my dresser into a box, and started sorting.  Then I cleaned up my jewelery.  This is all stuff that I meant to do at some point, but hadn't gotten around to.  Then I showered and washed my hair.

FINALLY, with all that done, I was able to get in a solid two hours of school work. YES, my class started on May 4 and I'm really excited to be there.  My prof's name is Sam, and he used to have his own publishing house, but then it went under (as most small presses do) so he went on to become an agent.  Which isn't an avenue I'd considered, until now.  So that goes on the list as well.

But here's the thing that makes me stand out from the rest of the class - I'm the only AUTHOR, and also the only one that has absolutely NO POST SECONDARY EDUCATION.  Gleep!  Everyone else is intro'ing themselves and where they did their bachelor, MBA, undergrad work, etc. etc.  Talk about feeling out of place.  But that's ok.  Cuz I know I've got the brains to keep up with them.  Even if they really haven't been used in the better part of a decade.

But I'm a student.  And I have a student email with the university.  And I can get student deals at Dell and Apple, etc.  The only thing I'm not sure of is if I get a student card.  Wouldn't that be amazing? (Actually what I find amazing is the little things that are exciting me these days.  LOL).

So I have my first two assignments.  The first one was to choose a book by a Canadian author, pubbed by a Canadian house that was released within the last two weeks.  Managed to find one - now to track it's progress on "the list".  Well the Canadian list, not "the ultimate list".  LOL.

The second assignment is a book propsal - non fiction - based on a magazine/newspaper article or a website or a blog that we enjoy.  O_O

This is gonna be fun.

Well, two hours until the day is over.  Have a great one kiddies.


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

What if....

EDITED TO ADD:  I'm even scared of leaving this post up because someone might run to DH and tell him, and he might take it all the wrong way.  Wouldn't be the first time it's happened.


I'm worried - big surprise right?

But I'm worried that my time will come and I'll look back on my life and see that I spent the majority of it afraid.  I'm worried that I'll go my entire life without ever having stood up for myself because I was worried about the reprecussions.

I'm worried that I'll have spent my whole life miserable because I was too much of a coward to take that one step that could have made all the difference between happiness and misery.  And I won't do it because of fear, and because of comfort.  And I won't even be comfortable.

I've spent my whole life so bloody uncomfortable in my own skin, never knowing who I truly am, or owning myself.  I've fought against giving in to society's pressures, for a reason.  They didn't feel right to me.  But neither does my life now.  And there are days I think that I maybe should have given in.

Maybe I should have had the baby.  Maybe I should have gone into something "non entertainment related" like teaching.  Maybe I shouldn't have cared if the popular kids liked me.

But I didn't have the baby.  I wasn't ready.  And I LOVE the entertainment industry.  I hate teaching.  And I did care if the popular kids liked me.

I can't change the things I did.  There's a lot of things that I did that I wouldn't change.  And, like the majority of us, there's a lot I would.  But I can't.

And now, I'm still that scared little girl that wants everyone to like her.  Hell, I'm still overweight.  The heart attack didn't change anything that way.  My life took a brief detour down a better path, but I wound right back up in the brambles - tangled up, cut and bruised and trying to fight my way out with a butter knife.

I hate my job - in case you couldn't figure that out.  Today, I asked the boss if we could put the heat on in the morning, just for a couple of hours, just to warm up the building because my hands are freezing, and I don't intend on wearing jeans to work for the whole damn summer.  We get no sunlight in here, so it's cold and breezy and awful.  I was told no, it costs too much money.

I want to refuse to come to work because these are lousy conditions.  I'm just flat out miserable.  My manager can't make any damn phone calls on his own and at least sixteen times a day I have to hear the words "Can you call....." even though it would be easier for HIM to make the damn calls because he has to tell me what to say anyway.  By the time he explains it all, and tells me how he wants it worded, he could have just as easily picked up the phone.  And then if the person on the other end has any questions, they would be answered right away instead of the incessant game of telephone Q & A we inevitably wind up playing.  And so when I hear those words....all I want to do is throw something large and heavy at his head.

Life at home is pretty miserable too.  DH & I are getting along I guess.  We both try to keep our mouths shut about things that are bothering us.  Because when they do get brought up, nothing gets done, except a major fight.  We both know we're not good for each other right now.  I don't take care of myself, he doesn't take care of himself.  Neither of us wants it to end, but if we don't do something about it - we're going to wind up fourty and hating each other.  It's been over an year and a half since I've confessed to my indiscretions, and all that's happened is a lot of spitting and hissing like cats.

I have a blog about it - about what's going on with us.  But no one can read it, except me, and today I went back and read all the entries.  I started it in September last year, and it's amazing how pathetic I sound.  Thank God no one can read it.  I'm a pathetic wimp with no backbone.  I'm embarrassed about half of what was written - not the sentiment behind it, but the wording itself.  And it's all the same shit.

So I'm scared to stand up for myself at work because then I won't be working.  And what would I do then?  Jobs aren't easy to come by.  And my boss might just be a prick enough to make sure I can't collect anything while looking for another job.

I'm scared to change things at home because what if DH is REALLY who I AM supposed to be with?  What if we split up and he decides to leave for good?  But then again, what if there is someone else out there who I'm meant to be with, and by staying with DH I never get the chance to find him?  Because I KNOW we're not meant to be, not this way - not the two people we are now.  But if things don't change, we're going to be the people we are now for the rest of our lives.


The most courageous thing I'm doing so far is going back to school.  But that's it.  The coward in me wants to stay where I am at work, stay in the marriage without a trial separation, and just keep things status quo.  Then MAYBE have a kid.  And even then, I'm not sure if I want to do it, or if I want it because DH wants it.

Yep - I'm a coward.  Maybe I should accept that it's my lot in life, and just leave it all at that.



Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Ranting and Rolling.....

**A TOTAL pissed off rant. If anyone who knows my boss reads this, there's no need for him to see it. I'm just frustrated.**

Dear Asshole Boss:

I’ve been working here for four years now. At the same miserable hourly rate I started at, only with a hell of a lot more work. When I was hired, I was told that if I was still here in three months, I’d get a raise.

Never happened. But what DID happen was the joker you had on the sales desk, who made MORE money than me, gave me half his workload to do, and I thought that I had to do it. So I did. Which left HIM free to play pool on the computer and listen to his mp3 through headphones. When I, out of sight from customers and staff, was on MSN, I got in shit for it, even though my work was complete. So I stopped.

Then I had my medical incident. I spent four months off recovering, and when I came back, I was given more responsibility because the joker got fired. BUT I was told that I’d get a raise. Not only was I moved out of my office onto the floor, I got the jokers job plus mine. And I STILL had free time, because I know how to do my work.

Still no raise. AND I find out that the joker made at LEAST four more dollars an hour than I did for doing a quarter of the work.

Now, not only am I OFFICIALLY doing two jobs, but I also handle all the fucking phone calls the department manager doesn’t want to deal with, I do all the shipping, plus all the bitch work that seems to come my way because I have a set of tits.

I am supposed to be able to take time off to care for my health, and my dr’s appointments, but yet, whenever I do I get THE LOOK. You know, the one where you roll your eyes and bite your tongue and stop yourself from saying stuff like “Aren’t you better yet?”

NO PECKERHEAD - I’m not better yet. This is something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my pathetic little life and for the amount of goddamned stress you put on me IT’S NOT WORTH IT.

You’re never around, instead concentrating your efforts on another business the owner just HAD to open (because your fucking friends needed work), even though they’ve now got four sales people, plus two drivers and the manager. How many front office staff do we have? TWO. That’s it. To take care of sales, and warranties and receivables and problems and issues and office bullshit.

Today, when you ask about the vacation time I put in for - two weeks, plus three days - you had the most vicious snotty tone I’d ever heard. I wasn’t asking for pay for the additional three days. In fact, I don’t even have to ASK for the time off. I can just tell you I’m taking it because it’s doctor mandated. But instead of calling in * cough cough * sick for three days, I figured I’d be up front about it. So I told you to forget it. Never mind I only took a week last year. You don’t think of that shit do you?

But fuck that. I’ll get a note from my doctor - hell ALL of my doctors if that’s what’s required. I come in to work when I’m sick, when I’m exhausted, with chest pains and all. My blood pressure goes through the roof, my blood sugar goes haywire and I STILL come in. And the one day I was coughing up a fucking storm, I get asked by the fucking douchebag I have to work with - the one that thinks anyone who hasn’t worked here twenty years isn’t worth his time and yet he gives me all the shit to deal with - in his “world weary god spare me from the peasants” tone of voice “Do you need to go home?”

Nah - I’ll just spit up a lung right here on my desk.

And for the record - my cell phone is NOT the company grapevine. You have a fucking cell phone and a call list. YOU CAN CALL THE DRIVERS IF YOU NEED THEM FOR WORK. While you’re at it, the head builder is in California? YOU text him.

I don’t get paid nearly enough to put up with all this shit plus more. I have to deal with every fucking idiot that wants to try and sell us something. I have no idea what we’re paying for our fucking oil and cleaners because I DON’T USE THEM. Don’t pass those idiots over to me. I am rude and obnoxious to these people. It’s bad enough that the guy who doesn’t speak English properly is the accounts rep that we’ve been assigned through our local office supply place and I have tried putting him off a million times only to have him call back.

My lunch break, regardless of where I choose to take it is just that. MY lunch break. I take it at one so that you cretins can have a relatively peaceful lunch break without having to answer phones. So don’t take your lunch at the same time I take mine. Oh yeah, it won’t matter because as long as I’m at my desk eating, you’ll fuck off and do whatever you want so that I have no choice but to answer the phones and take orders and in general all the stuff I was doing during YOUR lunch break so that you can eat in peace. So unless I eat in the lunch room, which usually stinks, or go outside for lunch, where there’s no where to sit so I have no choice but to take a walk (to where I have no idea), then I’m still working during my break. Which you justify by saying I spend too much time on the net during the day. Which brings me to my next point.

I have been chastised a million times for being on the internet during work hours, but you know what? THERE’S NO FUCKING WORK TO DO. In a bid to keep myself busy I have cleared out the storage/supply closet, only to have it messed again within a matter of hours. I have cleaned every dish in the place. I have re-arranged every filing cabinet, updated stock numbers, entered purchase orders, cleaned desks, and made scratch pads out of recycled paper.

AND THERE’S STILL NOTHING TO DO.

Yeah, I’m working, which I am grateful for. And in this economy, it’s a good thing. But you can’t tell me that the meager pay cheque you give me is worth the hits my sanity and my health are taking. You are not only screwing ME over, but the husband as well, who quit his job because you told him that you wanted him to manage a shop. This was two years ago and he’s now only working four days a week, and half of that is a commute an hour away with no gas reimbursement. So we can’t afford to quit, to split or to even die right now. This company is the biggest fucking joke and I don’t care how nice our owner is, or what FUTURE you see for either of us right now.

FUCK YOU AND THE GODDAMNED COMPANY.

I’m tired of being your bitch.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Some good news ...

Yeah for once right? LOL.

So, in addition to the changes to my diet that I mentioned in my last entry, and the attempt to find a new job, I have now enrolled in school. Yes kids, I'm a student once again.

I have decided that I want to help writers get their voices heard, like a wonderful lady did for me by publishing just ONE of my stories. This is something I've been thinking about for awhile now, and finally decided to look into it. On Thursday, I finally did. I went to an information night and registered for my first course.

I am taking Publishing Overview for Trades.

And I am scared shitless. It's been almost fifteen years since I was last in a classroom. And that course was something I wasn't interested in.

So, starting in May, on Wednesday nights for three hours, I will be in class.

It's a huge step. But it's rather exhilarating. If it goes well, I will go on to get my certificate, which in turn will help me with my ultimate goal, which is to open my own, small publishing house. Of course I'd love to make a ton of money, but even being able to support myself and keep a business afloat would be a dream come true.

And second good news - for the first time in ten years, I put on pants that were size 16! I'm down a size. :D Looks like my little changes are working. And I couldn't be more pleased.

Slowly the items on my lists are being checked off one by one.

It feels good to accomplish things.



Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

One of those days....

There might be more than one entry today. It’s just one of those days. Too much stress in too many areas of my life. If I put them all in one post, blogger will go BOOM and then there’ll be little pieces of Angell all over and that wouldn’t good. I’m hard to clean up :P

I am having chest pains today. Which concerns me, as they haven’t really been around in awhile. I’ve been cutting a lot of crap out of my diet lately, and did what I thought was impossible - I cut my caffeine consumption to averaging one a day. Some days it might be two and on the rare occasion it’s three. I have one cup of coffee in the morning, and then water for the rest of the day. Diet Coke, which was a two-to-three cans a day habit, is now more like a two to three cans a week habit. I’m eating more veggies, making lunches for work and trying to avoid eating anything that might kill me when I’m out.

Of course it’s hard to kill bad habits immediately. But I think I’m on the right path. As I approach the two year anniversary of my heart attack, I look back and wonder where I’d be right now if I’d taken these steps back then. After my recovery, I started to make the changes. But then it was right back to old habits once I went back to work. I bitched on and on about the lack of support at home, but in truth, I was just being a child, expecting everyone to do the work for me, and I would just eat what was put in front of me.

I knew I had to plan, I knew I had to execute. And yet I couldn’t do it. I was still stuck in my teenage years, in so many ways.

I don’t know what caused my survival instinct to just kick in. But I know that it has. I know I still have a long way to go - I need to work out and get moving. It can’t be just the food that I eat. And I have to stop stressing, which means finding a new job, one that will pay me what I’m worth.

Lately at work, all I do is sit around and surf the net. My actual duties are done within an hour. The rest of the time is spent waiting for the phone to ring with orders. For three years, I’ve been stuck at the same measly hourly wage, even when I came back from my recovery and was promised that I’d receive a raise for taking on the duties of another job. And while my job description keeps growing, my hour wage has stayed the same. I was originally doing receivables. When I came back from recovery, they had let one of the sales guys go, and I took over his job. He was making at least four more dollars an hour than I am now, and I did most of his job anyway before my heart attack.

I’m the only woman in the company, and there’s nowhere to go from this position. And to top it off, the owner of the company has so many more businesses, we fall to the wayside. He’s a nice guy, but he’s one of those men who always has to be busy and, my personal opinion, can never have enough money.

In the last two weeks I’ve been so bored I’ve reorganized the files, cleared out the storage room, washed the desks, re-arranged my desk drawers three times, and cleaned my washroom top to bottom.

I’m looking for a new job where I can possibly be creative, but more importantly, one that provides a challenge. The only thing left for me to do here is to learn how to rebuild a transmission, and frankly, NO. I have no interest in mechanics. Our accountant keeps telling me I can have his job when he retires. But I have no interest in staying with this company. I should have had at least two raises by now. When I was first hired, I was supposed to have one after three months - didn’t happen. And then when I came back, I was promised one. So far, no raise in sight, even though every time my general manager gets drunk he tells me that I need a raise. I feel like saying NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

And when I have to leave to do a security gig (I never leave early but right at five o’clock I’m out the door) I get comments like “well, why do you need that job?” And I feel like saying “Well you asshole, how about this for a reason? You don’t PAY me enough.”
I know I should be grateful I’m working, and that this job has benefits (regardless of how minimum they are - no vision coverage, minimal dental and 80% medical which is a god send because otherwise my medications would probably add up to almost $1000 every three months), but I need MORE. My brain has atrophied and I’m so totally stressed before I even walk in the door.

I just want to work in a place where I’m challenged, where I can be creative and have fun, and where my input is valued. Oh yeah, and where I’m paid what I’m worth. Maybe I can find a place like that. I HOPE I can find a place like that.

At least now I can say that I’m trying to change my life, whereas before I just sat here and hoped that it would change.

AND I’m going to TRY and not be all “Poor little old me.” anymore in these posts. I will somehow banish all negativity. I should feel better then.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.