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Thursday, March 18, 2010

One of those days....

There might be more than one entry today. It’s just one of those days. Too much stress in too many areas of my life. If I put them all in one post, blogger will go BOOM and then there’ll be little pieces of Angell all over and that wouldn’t good. I’m hard to clean up :P

I am having chest pains today. Which concerns me, as they haven’t really been around in awhile. I’ve been cutting a lot of crap out of my diet lately, and did what I thought was impossible - I cut my caffeine consumption to averaging one a day. Some days it might be two and on the rare occasion it’s three. I have one cup of coffee in the morning, and then water for the rest of the day. Diet Coke, which was a two-to-three cans a day habit, is now more like a two to three cans a week habit. I’m eating more veggies, making lunches for work and trying to avoid eating anything that might kill me when I’m out.

Of course it’s hard to kill bad habits immediately. But I think I’m on the right path. As I approach the two year anniversary of my heart attack, I look back and wonder where I’d be right now if I’d taken these steps back then. After my recovery, I started to make the changes. But then it was right back to old habits once I went back to work. I bitched on and on about the lack of support at home, but in truth, I was just being a child, expecting everyone to do the work for me, and I would just eat what was put in front of me.

I knew I had to plan, I knew I had to execute. And yet I couldn’t do it. I was still stuck in my teenage years, in so many ways.

I don’t know what caused my survival instinct to just kick in. But I know that it has. I know I still have a long way to go - I need to work out and get moving. It can’t be just the food that I eat. And I have to stop stressing, which means finding a new job, one that will pay me what I’m worth.

Lately at work, all I do is sit around and surf the net. My actual duties are done within an hour. The rest of the time is spent waiting for the phone to ring with orders. For three years, I’ve been stuck at the same measly hourly wage, even when I came back from my recovery and was promised that I’d receive a raise for taking on the duties of another job. And while my job description keeps growing, my hour wage has stayed the same. I was originally doing receivables. When I came back from recovery, they had let one of the sales guys go, and I took over his job. He was making at least four more dollars an hour than I am now, and I did most of his job anyway before my heart attack.

I’m the only woman in the company, and there’s nowhere to go from this position. And to top it off, the owner of the company has so many more businesses, we fall to the wayside. He’s a nice guy, but he’s one of those men who always has to be busy and, my personal opinion, can never have enough money.

In the last two weeks I’ve been so bored I’ve reorganized the files, cleared out the storage room, washed the desks, re-arranged my desk drawers three times, and cleaned my washroom top to bottom.

I’m looking for a new job where I can possibly be creative, but more importantly, one that provides a challenge. The only thing left for me to do here is to learn how to rebuild a transmission, and frankly, NO. I have no interest in mechanics. Our accountant keeps telling me I can have his job when he retires. But I have no interest in staying with this company. I should have had at least two raises by now. When I was first hired, I was supposed to have one after three months - didn’t happen. And then when I came back, I was promised one. So far, no raise in sight, even though every time my general manager gets drunk he tells me that I need a raise. I feel like saying NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

And when I have to leave to do a security gig (I never leave early but right at five o’clock I’m out the door) I get comments like “well, why do you need that job?” And I feel like saying “Well you asshole, how about this for a reason? You don’t PAY me enough.”
I know I should be grateful I’m working, and that this job has benefits (regardless of how minimum they are - no vision coverage, minimal dental and 80% medical which is a god send because otherwise my medications would probably add up to almost $1000 every three months), but I need MORE. My brain has atrophied and I’m so totally stressed before I even walk in the door.

I just want to work in a place where I’m challenged, where I can be creative and have fun, and where my input is valued. Oh yeah, and where I’m paid what I’m worth. Maybe I can find a place like that. I HOPE I can find a place like that.

At least now I can say that I’m trying to change my life, whereas before I just sat here and hoped that it would change.

AND I’m going to TRY and not be all “Poor little old me.” anymore in these posts. I will somehow banish all negativity. I should feel better then.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

3 comments:

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

Good for you! Even small changes like the caffeine, more veggies, etc., add up quickly and you start benefitting right away, even if it's not obvious.

So many of us (me very much included!) jump at a big goal and then fail because it was too much all at once. It's better to make a few small habit changes and get them to stick before moving on.

My new one? Eating one piece of fruit a day. I don't much like fruit, but I need to eat more, and if I can replace one snack with a piece of fruit (or a glass of oj), more power to me.

Can't wait to see you in May, sweetheart!

Travis said...

I don't think that was a poor little me post at all. I think you told us what you were doing, what was wrong, and what you were looking for.

Next up...the plan to find that new job where you can be fulfilled and creative.

Hey girl...I think you're doing great! You're getting your eating habits under control and you're making the move to a more positive outlook. This is all positive stuff.

Keep gradually settling in with your new changes. You're gonna be just fine.

Anonymous said...

this is the first time ever I've bookmarked a blog. A blog!
what strange attraction do you hold for me...must have been the hitchiker's reference.

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With love and pride