Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Be careful what you wish for....

I'm overwhelmed.  Seriously.

I feel like I'm drowning.  I can barely breathe.  Each breath feels like my last.  I'm gasping and struggling, and I feel like I'm going down for the third time. 

And there's no one to rescue me.

I have to pull myself out of this somehow.  And as much as I'd love to be able to follow all of your wonderful advice, it's not sticking.

I know I said that Rod & I needed time apart.  And I'm beginning to wonder why I ever wanted that to begin with.

See, I started another blog (yes, another one. When it's ready, I might make it public).  And this one is the story of my marriage - unedited and unadulterated.  Just the facts m'am.  After all, he deserves the truth to be told, after all the coloured views of him I've posted on here.

I won't remember everything - it's a given.  But the major mistakes, the ones that stick out in my mind, and the ones that he constantly reminds me of, those will be in there.

I've never been the innocent one.  Y'all know me.  But he never deserved the treatment I gave him.

And now, this blog is forcing me to remember things that I'd forgotten, things I'd taken for granted.  And to tell you the truth - it's killing me.  Yeah, he's made mistakes.  But he always tried to make up for them.  All I ever did was screw up, and expect it to be forgiven.  He's said that again and again.  And he's right.  Because I am who I am - a spoiled princess.

I've only gotten one entry out - the night we met.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - remembering seeing him for the first time, hearing his voice in person, the way his lips felt with that first kiss goodnight.  Just with the memories, I'm falling all over again.

I suck.

I'm trying for a second entry, but now memories are just flooding me so hard, like I said, I'm drowning in them.  Amazingly enough, right now, there's more good then bad.  And that's because the bad are mostly my fault.

I know it's up to me to fix this, but I don't know where to even begin.

I want him to fall in love with me again.  But more importantly, I want to be a woman who deserves his love again.  Apparently at one point I was.  I want to be again. 

But be careful what you wish for.  I wished for time to myself, and it looks like I'm going to get it - and soon.  He says he's going to be gone first week in July.  That gives me two weeks to enjoy time with him, assuming he spends any time at home.

Now I'm wondering why I thought I wanted it in the first place.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.


Travis Cody said...

The only advice I'm giving you now is to make an appointment with a therapist. For you. Now.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Times are when you leave something that has caused you pain, all you can remember is the good times...there was a reason you separated...

Travis is a smart young man

Anonymous said...

it will be scary at first. but, to live how you are living is that how the two of you want to be? yes, you'll always remember the good times, you always do. to be apart will show the two of you if you were supose to be together or not. you will get through it, I know you will.


With love and pride