Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What if....

EDITED TO ADD:  I'm even scared of leaving this post up because someone might run to DH and tell him, and he might take it all the wrong way.  Wouldn't be the first time it's happened.

I'm worried - big surprise right?

But I'm worried that my time will come and I'll look back on my life and see that I spent the majority of it afraid.  I'm worried that I'll go my entire life without ever having stood up for myself because I was worried about the reprecussions.

I'm worried that I'll have spent my whole life miserable because I was too much of a coward to take that one step that could have made all the difference between happiness and misery.  And I won't do it because of fear, and because of comfort.  And I won't even be comfortable.

I've spent my whole life so bloody uncomfortable in my own skin, never knowing who I truly am, or owning myself.  I've fought against giving in to society's pressures, for a reason.  They didn't feel right to me.  But neither does my life now.  And there are days I think that I maybe should have given in.

Maybe I should have had the baby.  Maybe I should have gone into something "non entertainment related" like teaching.  Maybe I shouldn't have cared if the popular kids liked me.

But I didn't have the baby.  I wasn't ready.  And I LOVE the entertainment industry.  I hate teaching.  And I did care if the popular kids liked me.

I can't change the things I did.  There's a lot of things that I did that I wouldn't change.  And, like the majority of us, there's a lot I would.  But I can't.

And now, I'm still that scared little girl that wants everyone to like her.  Hell, I'm still overweight.  The heart attack didn't change anything that way.  My life took a brief detour down a better path, but I wound right back up in the brambles - tangled up, cut and bruised and trying to fight my way out with a butter knife.

I hate my job - in case you couldn't figure that out.  Today, I asked the boss if we could put the heat on in the morning, just for a couple of hours, just to warm up the building because my hands are freezing, and I don't intend on wearing jeans to work for the whole damn summer.  We get no sunlight in here, so it's cold and breezy and awful.  I was told no, it costs too much money.

I want to refuse to come to work because these are lousy conditions.  I'm just flat out miserable.  My manager can't make any damn phone calls on his own and at least sixteen times a day I have to hear the words "Can you call....." even though it would be easier for HIM to make the damn calls because he has to tell me what to say anyway.  By the time he explains it all, and tells me how he wants it worded, he could have just as easily picked up the phone.  And then if the person on the other end has any questions, they would be answered right away instead of the incessant game of telephone Q & A we inevitably wind up playing.  And so when I hear those words....all I want to do is throw something large and heavy at his head.

Life at home is pretty miserable too.  DH & I are getting along I guess.  We both try to keep our mouths shut about things that are bothering us.  Because when they do get brought up, nothing gets done, except a major fight.  We both know we're not good for each other right now.  I don't take care of myself, he doesn't take care of himself.  Neither of us wants it to end, but if we don't do something about it - we're going to wind up fourty and hating each other.  It's been over an year and a half since I've confessed to my indiscretions, and all that's happened is a lot of spitting and hissing like cats.

I have a blog about it - about what's going on with us.  But no one can read it, except me, and today I went back and read all the entries.  I started it in September last year, and it's amazing how pathetic I sound.  Thank God no one can read it.  I'm a pathetic wimp with no backbone.  I'm embarrassed about half of what was written - not the sentiment behind it, but the wording itself.  And it's all the same shit.

So I'm scared to stand up for myself at work because then I won't be working.  And what would I do then?  Jobs aren't easy to come by.  And my boss might just be a prick enough to make sure I can't collect anything while looking for another job.

I'm scared to change things at home because what if DH is REALLY who I AM supposed to be with?  What if we split up and he decides to leave for good?  But then again, what if there is someone else out there who I'm meant to be with, and by staying with DH I never get the chance to find him?  Because I KNOW we're not meant to be, not this way - not the two people we are now.  But if things don't change, we're going to be the people we are now for the rest of our lives.

The most courageous thing I'm doing so far is going back to school.  But that's it.  The coward in me wants to stay where I am at work, stay in the marriage without a trial separation, and just keep things status quo.  Then MAYBE have a kid.  And even then, I'm not sure if I want to do it, or if I want it because DH wants it.

Yep - I'm a coward.  Maybe I should accept that it's my lot in life, and just leave it all at that.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.


Travis said...

Only you have power to do something about any of these feelings. The first step is always the most difficult.

But I submit that doing nothing is also a decision. So you could say that the decision you've made to do nothing about your circumstances isn't working for you. And if you can agree with that, then the next logical step is to do something...anything...different.

After all, how can it be any worse than miserable? Might as well do anything else, right?

Coco said...

I'm giving advice, no matter how much I know I shouldn't ...

Pick one thing - ANY thing - and change it. Even if it's the smallest thing in your world. That's better than living with all those regrets. Just take a deep breath and DO it. Don't waste your time being afraid. It's only one small change, right?

Once you've done that, you'll realize how much better it feels to be directing your own life, rather than letting it direct you.

Good luck, honey. You have lots of people on your side, just try to remember that.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Ah those two people above me are so intelligent. You have to do what is right for you no matter how hard. Starting with one small thing - your going back to school - is a step in the right direction.

Look in the papers for another job and see what comes up.

At home...well I can tell you that if not for the child, I would have left years before, because we were not good for each other and it made us both very bitter for a long time.


With love and pride