What is CCS?
Found this kicking around on a disc - I think I saved it for the Official Soul Patrol Scrapbook that Connie & I (thought of first) helped put together. :D Good for a memory, a smile, a laugh...
Recently, bloggers on the internet have revealed that Taylor Hicks does indeed have a serious medical condition. For many years, he has been suffering with a disease known as conjunctive cardiac soulitis - a sometimes fatal proximity of heart and soul.
More common in the south, this disease is very serious and may result in muscle twitching as your body is overcome with the urge to dance. Verbal patterns are interspersed with sudden outbursts of "woo" and "hey," especially while singing or excited. These outbursts are sometimes misdiagnosed as Tourette's, but are, in fact, evidence of a "level 3" conjunctive cardiac soulitis infection.
WARNING: conjunctive cardiac soulitis is EXTREMELY CONTAGIOUS. The disease has been known to be transmitted simply by being in the same room as someone already afflicted, or - more amazingly - through sound waves. In fact, conjunctive cardiac soulitis is the only disease on record capable of being transmitted through auditory stimuli. The World Health Organization urges extreme caution in dealing with this disease, calling it a "bigger threat than bird flu."
Now you know.
As many of you know by now, Taylor has accute CCS. Since this disease is rapidly spreading, and many Americans are at risk, I thought I'd post some updated information on it.
What is CCS?
Conjunctive cardiac soulitis - or CCS - is a severe inflammation of heart and soul. It is usually caused by an unexpected proximity of heart and soul or - in extreme cases - when heart and soul actually come into direct contact.
What are the symptoms of CCS?
Level one symptoms are mild and are most often characterized by a generally euphoric feeling that spreads rapidly throughout the body.
Level two symptoms are highlighted by a sudden loss of muscle control that begins as twitching and can progress to the point of motions that resemble involuntary dance.
Level three infections - the most serious cases - include sudden vocal outbursts such as "woo" and "hey", usually when singing or excited. Occassionally, level three CCS is confused with Tourette's Syndrome. Although this misdiagnosis is common, CCS is, in fact, quite different and much more benign than Tourette's.
How do you become infected with CCS?
The primary path of infection is through the ears. From there, CCS spreads rapidly throughout the body. Individuals with keen ears for good music, an open heart, and gentle soul are more than five times more likely to become infected than those without.
Clinical studies have shown that individuals from the South are particularly vulnerable to CCS, while some individuals from the North actually carry an antibody against the disease. Doctors urge caution, though, since CCS is extremely contagious and spreading rapidly throughout the entire American population and no one is truly safe. The World Health Organization and the Surgeon General issued a joint statement calling CCS a "potential pandemic that makes the spread of SARS and bird flu look like molasses. Mmmmm. Molasses."
Is their a cure for CCS?
Treatment is available for CCS, but not advised. 9 out of 10 doctors recommend no treatment for CCS. The 10th doctor is a quack, so you probably shouldn't listen to him. For those afflicted with CCS, the best "treatment" is education and awareness. By fully understanding how CCS affects the body, you have a better chance of regulating your day-to-day outbursts.
For those deranged individuals who insist on a "cure", treatment is available in the form of several large - and painful - shots of hiphopoxia administered directly to the ears. This type of treatment is not always guaranteed to work and can have serious side effects. In extreme cases, patients may develop a bad case of "the rap" (also known as Tupacitis and Foshizzlaxis). The rap can cause the body to develop shiny oversized growths (known as "blings"), cause the gradual supplantation of teeth with precious metals, and force a sudden weight-loss in the hips and waist that cause the pants to fall down constantly. As any foo' can plainly see, the cure for CCS is worse than the disease.
I have CCS. What should I do now?
First of all, don't worry. Many famous people have lived their entire lives with CCS. Performers such as Ray Charles and Joe Cocker have had successful and fulfilling careers despite (or perhaps because of) their affliction.
CCS is not a debilitating disease. In fact, once you overcome the initial confusion about "what's happening to me?", you will likely find your CCS bouts an enjoyable experience.
The best way to deal with your CCS is to let it out. Trying to hold it back only makes it worse. Smile, dance, whoop and holler. Voting for Taylor Hicks on American Idol also helps.
Now - stick out your tongue and say "woooooo!"
Stay sane inside insanity - and never forget your towel.
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