Friday, December 07, 2007

Freestyle Fridays - Pre-Xmas Ramblings from an overworked, overstressed Elf

Just who does the big guy think he is anyway?

Oh right - I forgot. He's "Santa Clause". He knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good.....

Yah, you ever stop to wonder HOW he knows all this? It's not cuz he's got super powers, or a magic mirror that tells him every single action of every single boy and girl, and it's certainly NOT because he's Albert Einstien.

It's because of US - the elves. That's right kiddies. We are the most top-secret, intricate network of spies this world has ever seen. Forget the CIA, forget the KGB. I know they spilled a little of our secret intelligence for the movie The Santa Clause (personally I think Tim Allen makes a better St. Nick than the big guy anyway - but DON'T tell him I said that), but they didn't get to the heart of the ELF organization.

I know, I know. I'm not supposed to spill any of this to the outside world, but seriously, I'm so sick and tired of S.C. getting all the credit for Christmas going smoothly. He gets all the cookies, all the milk, and all the glory, while we slave year round to make toys, gather intelligence and basically do his job.

In every town, all across the world, there are elves strategically placed in every community, in positions of honor. Some are teachers, some run businesses, and yes, some are even politicians. But it's what they do after hours that results in all the intel that S.C. has. I'm not going to give away EVERY secret, but just let me say this - check your garden gnomes periodically. Once all the information is gathered, it's compiled by a staff of four hundred female elves, all of whom are mothers, and they are the ones who make up the naughty or nice list. He doesn't know it all, he just reads it off the paper.

He's a figurehead I'm telling you. The only reason he's the face of Christmas is cuz he looks good in red - frankly it's not my colour. Not even green does me justice, but when I lobbied to change the Christmas colours to blue and silver I got death threats - if you can believe that. Who says Christmas is about peace and love? PFFT. You should see a typical day at the North Pole. Elves swearing at eachother, throwing toy parts, smoking on the line (which should be an immediate grounding, but he always lets it slide), and in general CHAOS.

Like today for example. All I did was tell Zippy that the Barbie he was working on had two left arms instead of a right and a left and he told me.....well, let's just say I can't repeat what he said without blushing, but it wasn't nice AT ALL. In fact if his mother heard that, she would have dragged him into the middle of the wash station and rinsed his mouth out. But she was on her lunch break.

I'm so frustrated I'm ready to QUIT - but there's not a lot of work out there for elves. Believe me, I've been surfing the net and the best I can come up with is working for those 1-900-sexy-elf numbers, and frankly, I find that a little demeaning. I did find an ad to work in a luggage shop, but the woman who ran it, Anndi, had an unnatural attachment to the inventory, so I high tailed it out of there.

I mean, I guess it's not ALL bad. There are worse places to work. Ever since they let Hermey open his dental shop, we've all gotten brighter smiles. And they do cover 80% of the work. Absolutely brilliant idea of his, that Hermey. Because the only place where candy and chocolate are more prevelant than the North Pole is Cupid's , but they've got their own dentist (with full coverage). And Rudolph will sometimes act as my night light if I have scary dreams about that Heat Miser guy. He threatened to melt the Pole the last poker game, all because Blitzen had a straight flush to beat out his full house. Thankfully, some guys named Vinny, Bruno and Guido talked him out of it very nicely, I'm sure.

And that Grinch guy? He's not evil. It's his JOB to steal Christmas every year from those Who's. Trust me, they know he's coming. And he hates to do it, he really does. That Jim Carrey gave him a sense of humor, but that's nothing compared to the real one. He tells the funniest jokes, and I have to be careful not to be drinking around him. Last time I did that, I spewed milk from my nose and had to clean up the stuffed cow we were sending to some crazy cow lady named Dana.

What about Frosty? Well, of course he makes his appearance every year for the kids, but the rest of the year he lazes about here doing absolutely nothing. Just sits on his fat, snowball behind and watches sports. He's got bookie in Vegas, and his gambling debts are legendary around here. SC is always bailing him out. BUT, he makes the best snowballs for the weekly battles, AND he has no problems helping out if you're REALLY in a pickle. This year, he really helped us out with his knowledge of something called Wild Irish Rose for some guy named Matt-Man. Apparently he wanted a fountain that just pushes it out all day every day. So we did that. It was nice of him. The stuff smells funny though, and Jingle and Jangle had a couple of shots of it. They couldn't stand for two days.

And, it IS great to watch the smiles of the kids on Christmas morning - we get it via satellite on the SCN. *sigh* Yes, he has a network named after him too. We all get bowls of popcorn and potato chips and veggie platters (that's Mrs. C's idea - she thinks we need to balance our diets and she's right), and watch sixteen different screens all day long. We did some pretty special gifts for a couple of very special girls named Bethany and Alice. And there's some amazing "guy things" whatever they may be, for a two select boys named Bug and Brennan. So we like to see how they react to these specialty items. There's nothing to compare to the smile of a child who's seen his hearts delight - except for maybe the smiles on the faces of the parents.


I think the weirdest Christmas requests came in 1956. We had an influx of requests for hippopotamus'. What is the plural of that... oh well. Anyway, Gail Peevey released a song called Hippopotamus for Christmas, and wouldn't you know it - kids wanted them. Go figure huh? We had to do some fancy footwork around that, let me tell you. This year, we've had numerous requests for a grey haired, soul singing angel? Where the heck are we gonna get one of those?

Yeah, you know, maybe it's not all so bad. Are we underpaid? Yep. Underappreciated? Yep. Overworked? Oh hel...I mean heck yah. But, in the end, is there any place more magical at making dreams come true?

Nah. That darn mouse ain't got nuttin' on this place.

*checks list*

Black velvet pictures - check. A moose head? check. A miniature Soul Patrol mansion? And what is a Galford? And can someone tell me WHY we're running short on rubber ducks?

I think I'll go finish working on that Britney Spears play set. I just have to make the miniature booze bottles and it's ready to go.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.


Matt-Man said...

Step away from the booze Angell. Cheers!!

Bond said...


I am laughing my arse off

Travis said...

That was outstanding! That should be the Soul Patrol Christmas story.

Seriously...send a copy of this over to Wayne and Robin so they can post it on the FBB Blog.

Meribah said...

**Waves paw in the air** Ooo! Ooo! And don't forget, the puppy wants to BE a present for the grey-haired Soul Man! :P

Turnbaby said...

Ooooo Matty---a little pot kettle action.

Awesome sugar--too funny

Anonymous said...

Wow, I love it. The bunny would be proud to display a copy, if you would like.

hugs, Robin

angell said...

MATT: Well what fun is that then? HUGS.

BOND: Thank you my friend. Just a little sumthin' off the top of my head. SMOOCHES.

TRAV: I believe Robin has stopped by....

MERI: YIKES. Will do an updated one closer to Xmas and will remember to mention that.

TURN: WOW - you're here!! Miss ya my gal-pal GROPES for you sugar.

ROBIN: I would be honored. TY my friend.

Dana said...

Er...someone has been in the eggnog...but a very funny story!

Dana said...

Oh, and it will definately go in the next book for Taylor :D


With love and pride