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Friday, December 05, 2008

HIIIIIIIII

Ok I know.

Bad Angell. *hangs head in shame*

Life is hectic, but it's also been exhausting. Frankly, I've been too lazy to be creative lately, which is no excuse for not at least letting y'all know that I'm still alive.

So - I'm alive.

I've got a lot on my mind these days, and I think that here might be the only place where people understand, cuz God only knows my family doesn't. Neither do most of my friends.

Since the heart attack, I've been taking stock of my life. Which is to be expected right? Of course it is. But I've come to some realizations. One of which is that I have always had someone to take care of me. If it wasn't my parents or grandparents, it's been a boyfriend or my husband. And while people have assured me that there's nothing wrong with being taken care of, I feel useless. I have this urge to know if I can do it myself.

I feel like I need to know if I have what it takes to do it alone - so to speak.

Rod & I have discussed separation. It's no big secret that neither of us has been ecstatic with the way our lives have been going the last five years. We've been growing further apart, and fighting all the time. But it's not that I love him any less, at least I don't think that's it. I just think our circumstances have dictated the way things have gone, and we've allowed that.

Now it's time to break out of it. But I think I need to do it by myself. I mean, I want to live in the city, not spend my whole life in the suburbs. I know that I would need a roommate, for more than one reason. One - because I'm not a millionaire, and rent is expensive no matter where you go. Two - I would be terrified to live totally on my own, because Three - I have a heart condition.

But a roommate would be just that - a roommate. It's not mommy and daddy. It's not someone taking care of me. It's just someone there in case something goes wrong. And yeah, it would be nice to live with a friend (or two if that's how it goes). And I think Rod & I might be able to build US back up. Starting again. Getting to know each other as the people we are NOW. Because we've both changed. Maybe, after getting to know who we are, we might realize that we don't fit anymore. Or maybe we'll find out that the people we were before aren't as dead as we thought, and that we still fit.

It's hard. My whole life I've taken the easy way out of everything. Quit school when it got to be too hard. Working for family because it was easier than getting a real job. Stayed with mommy and daddy because getting our own place meant less money to spend on ourselves.

And while working at the relationship would be work, it would be easier to stay and do that than to move out and work on myself.

Because most days, I don't like who I see in the mirror.

I spoke with my mom on this. She told me "Do you think that life will be easier without him?" And I wanted to scream at her "NO. Life will NOT be easier without Rod. It'll be HELL, but something's gotta give. " I know that life without him will suck for a while. But how can I ever respect myself if I don't do something that will challenge me? I've given up on a lot of dreams. I've tossed them aside because it was the easy thing to do.

Most people in my life, at one time or another, have called me a spoiled princess who knows nothing about how REAL life works.

Maybe I am. And if so, how can I ever contribute anything worthwhile to this world, or the people in my life, if I don't change? How can I ever truly make Rod happy if I'm not happy myself?

I'm lost right now. I don't know who I am, or what my purpose is. But I want to. I need to. I've been struggling with these thoughts for six months now.

Sometimes you have to get lost in order to find yourself again. And sometimes, like Dorothy, you find that happiness lies in your own backyard.

But she still got to see Oz.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

7 comments:

Life's Follies said...

I wish you well. I hope your teuly find what will give you the inner peace you are searching for.

Travis said...

If I may say so...make it about you and only you. Make it about doing what you need to do for you, not as some future goal about fitting better with someone else.

If you do this, do it because you'll find out about yourself. If you can focus on that, then I suspect other things in your life will fall in line. But it has to be about you for you, not for what it might be like for someone else.

It's ok to be selfish in this, because when it's all over, you've only got yourself.

Meribah said...

I hear yuh, hon, but don't make any rash decisions. Divorce is NEVER a good thing. Take some time away, if you have to, and then continue to work on your relationship. You might think it's taking the easy way out, but I say it's taking the right way out.
Just because something seems easy, doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.
Either way, fix yourself first and everything else will fall into place.
Remember: everything happens for a reason. Hugs to you, my friend. :)

Dana said...

:hugs and kisses:

It's never easy to make decisions, is it? Even if you feel like you have no one, you still have us, and we'll listen. I can vouch for myself, I'm real!

Trav also has good advice; listen to him too.

Here's hoping and praying you'll make the right decision.

Bond said...

Travis is 1,000,000% correct. It must be about you. It is easier to do that since there are no children. I picked me and had to leave my Matt...and that is the thing that hurt the most...

But it made me find ME again. I had lost me.

I missed ME

Anndi said...

I won't presume to give you any advice, although in some ways, you and I are VERY similar (like scary similar).

Just know, I'm around if you want to talk, chat, need to vent... and no matter what decision you make, I love you and support you.

Being with someone doesn't prevent us from finding who we are, not when we are with the right person. I've found that out.

SMOOCH, GROPES, HUGS

Blueeyes said...

I miss u too

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With love and pride