You never expect it to happen to you

Well, all the warning signs were there. My weight was up, my cholesterol levels were ridiculously high, and my activity was non-existant.

So it should have come as no surprise when on Monday morning, my left jaw and left chest were in a lot of pain. I thought it would just go away and proceeded to get ready for work, as I always do. My cousin knocked on the door, and off we went. All the while, the pain hadn't abated, and it certainly hadn't left. I mumbled to her something along the lines of getting the paramedics to check me out when I made it into work that night for the hockey game. But when I got to work, I realized that something was very, VERY wrong and I had my boss call the ambulance.

Sure enough, I was having a minor heart attack. It was so serious that I didn't even feel any embarassment when they lifted my shirt and exposed my disgusting flabby midriff. All I could do was cry and beg and plead with them to save my life. During the ambulance ride, my oxygen came out twice and it caused me to panic. When I was wheeled in to emergency, I was put immediately to the head of the line. My father was the first to arrive, being the only one I was able to contact. I could have had my boss call Rod, but there was no one to take his class, and there would have been no way for him to show up immediately. So when dad showed up, I handed him my cell phone and asked him to call Rod at work, and one of my best friends Terry, who was scheduled to pick me up at work to take me to the hockey game. Soon, I was wheeled into a room, where my clothing and jewelery was removed and I answered the same questions over and over again.

After seeing two doctors, I was taken into surgery where I had a procedure called an angioplasty done. They made an incision in my right groin and inserted a tube up to my heart. They injected a dye to see where the blockage was, and then when it was found, a balloon was inserted into my artery and inflated to press the blockage against the artery walls. Then two mesh metal tubes were inserted into my artery to ensure the blockage wouldn't retract. Unfortunately, the incision made in my groin didn't close up properly and resulted in a hemotoma - I think it means the blood just kept circulating. Anyway, it resulted in a disgusting, swollen bruise which is incredibly painful.

By the time I was wheeled into my room in CCU, I was on morphine, nitroglycerin, and gravol. I was doped up and just SO thankful to be alive.

I've had well wishes from friends, and enemies that have said that while we weren't getting along, this was not something they ever would have wished on me (thank goodness huh?). I've had beautiful bouquets of flowers, wonderful wishes sent and friends sending all the love possible. My family is a fabulous support system, and they're all doing their best to make sure I stay on the straight and narrow.

But I still feel empty. And I don't know why.

But I was also terrified. No longer. I'm determined. I'm focused.

I'm not only going to get thinner, I'm going to be healthier. I will be stronger. I will be the best I can possibly be.

I'm only worried about one thing. What happens when the "newness" wears off? What happens when I get frustrated because I go back to WANTING to eat crap? Right now none of that appeals to me, but right now I still have the massive brusie on my leg to remind me of exactly what happened. What happens two or three months from now, when lethargy kicks in again and I don't want to cook, or exercise? What happens then?

I know everyone says that they'll kick my ass if they see me with crap in my hands, but I can still drive myself - or at least I'll be able to in a month. What happens if my will power collapses? What happens then?

I know - one day at a time. It's all I can ask for - it's all I can do.

And while I never expected it to happen to me, it did. So, if you are in the danger zone, PLEASE stop all detrimental actions immediately and head for the nearest vegetable stand. While it's ok to indulge once in awhile....make healthy your new habit. Please.

I couldn't stand for any of you to go through this.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.