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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

dealing....

Hey everyone.



Been awhile since I've really blogged. It’s not for lack of things to say, but an over abundance of it. I don’t know where to begin.

First off, my resolutions have gone to hell in a handbasket. My health sucks, my energy level is non-existant, and what I do have I have to fake my way through. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. For reasons I’ve mentioned before, it looks like my husband and I might be separating. It’s actually to save us, because there are a lot of issues right now that I don’t think even councelling would help. But it’s heartbreaking, because I thought we’d been getting along better than ever lately. But lately doesn’t erase the damage years of fighting and mistrust has caused. I’m hoping that we can bounce back from this. I know I’m supposed to convince myself I’m a strong individual and I can bounce back from anything, but I can’t make myself believe it. Part of me thinks he’ll be a lot happier without me and my insane family.

I don’t think I’ve fully dealt with my heart attack. There are days I’ll just start having panic attacks at the slightest twinge in my chest. I can’t seem to keep it together. And then there are days that I feel that I should never have survived it. Because I don’t feel my life is worthwhile. I honestly can’t seem to think of one thing that I’ve done right in my thirty-four years here on this Earth. And some will say that I say that to elicit pity or wring complements from people. But I’m just stating a fact. To be honest, it disturbs me sometimes that I feel that way. But how do you stop the way you feel? I wish it was simple to turn feelings off – my life would be SO much easier.

Again, my job is a major source of stress for me, as is money. But I have to keep reminding myself to be thankful that I’m employed. Even if I am underpaid, and overworked, and there’s a ton of shit that finds its way into my job description daily. It’s better than being at home all the time. I did that during recovery. One or two days is nice, but then it’s boring because everyone’s either at work or taking care of their kids. And as much as I say I love being alone, I get lonely very quickly.

My house is a mess. No matter how hard I try to clean and organize, we just have too much stuff and too little space. I’ve gotten rid of bags of stuff, and thrown out what could be. I’ve tried downsizing wardrobes and stocked items. But it still always looks like a disaster. Which stresses me out too. I honestly don’t like messy things. I do like being organized. I just don’t have the tenacity that this giant mess needs. I get fed up very easily and just give in to the urge to pile it all up and sit and watch tv. Which is how I’m spending most of my time these days, despite having a notebook full of amazing (if I do say so myself) ideas for writing. Plus I still have the bachelorette party of the century to plan.

Logically, I tell myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. Logically, I believe it. However, somehow the message gets lost in the translation when I try to make my heart believe and agree. My heart seems to want to give up on everything, like it’s tired and can’t be bothered anymore. So my body follows suit. I feel old, and used up. A failure. The only saving grace is that I’m too chicken to actually take myself out. And I can’t afford a hit man (feeble attempt at a joke). As much as I’m miserable in my life, I simply cannot do that to those that love me.

I though that getting all this off my chest would make me feel better, but it doesn’t. Because I’m sure I’ve now caused some of you to worry about me, and that really wasn’t my intention. I could, in all honesty, not post this, and just keep it as a draft, but isn’t this what blogs are for? Sharing with your readers, and getting things off your chest? So I will keep it up, and hope that I haven’t caused any of you worry. Because there really is no reason to worry. Despite all this, I have no plans on going anywhere for a long time.


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

5 comments:

Bond said...

hell gal...we all go through these times...I spend most of 2006 rapped up in a "I suck" blanket..

You and hub have to do what is correct for both of you...when you have a job it is easiest to find a job, so this is the time for you to slowly look around and see what else is out there...

We are here for our friends...and I am sending you a huge hug of friendship and hope

Travis said...

Hang in there.

Dana said...

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. As my sister says, "If you fall down flat on your face, at least you're going forward."

:hugs, kisses, and gropes:

Meribah said...

We're all here for you, hon. Sure, life can be hard and full of problems, but you don't have to carry the whole burden by yourself. That's what friends are there for. I'm praying for you. Hugs.

coco said...

I remember when Vinny was going through his problems - you were a sad mess, werent you, hun? *grins*

We all go through it, sweet-stuff. I've been barely hanging on for the past few months and it's only very recently that I've come out of it at all. Ovarian cancer and a brain tumour, within a year of each other, and I thought my number was up both times. My recovery from the second was complicated by the death of the man I consider to be my soulmate and I was frighteningly close to giving up. Sometimes you have to go looking for a reason to continue getting up in the morning. I focus on my son at those times. A step at a time, a breath at a time, and that's what you have to do.

I'm with you if you need me, sweetie and, if you're looking for a reason to hang on, think about a roadtrip this summer to Ottawa. I'm dying to hug my friends for real. I hope you all will be there.

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With love and pride