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Thursday, March 03, 2011

To Daddy (my eulogy)

Just let me go look that up....

If you’ve ever had a conversation with my father, chances are that phrase has come up at least once or twice.

Roger Dominic Tersigni had a thirst – for wine, for knowledge, for life. And you could see that in him, whether it was a casual ten minute conversation or an in-depth one that required visual aids and a fifteen minute search on the internet for exactly what he was talking about.

This has come as quite a shock to all of us. And when choosing to write this eulogy, I had several options of ways to go. In reality, there was only one – the way my father lived – straight and to the point.

My father was many things to many people, as evidenced in this room – he was a friend, a father, a brother, a grandfather, a husband, a beacon...the list could go on and on. But above all this, my father was the epitome of love and respect. He respected everyone he met, and it was quite the gift to have.

He believed in everyone’s potential – whether it seemed like an impossible dream, or something within reach, he truly believed that hard work would pay off, and you could make your dreams into reality.

A lot of people viewed my father as a lucky man – which in many aspects he was. But he worked hard to create his own luck. And even when it didn’t work out in his favour, he learned from his experiences , as we all should, and did his best to never make the same mistakes twice.

The luckiest day of his life was when he met his soul-mate – the other half of himself – my mother Carol. Together, they raised the bar for relationships, showing everyone how it is done, and done right. They made it look easy, even though those closest to them know that they worked hard to keep it running right. At times, separated by long distances, it seemed like it was impossible, but nothing was going to keep them from being together.

They have the relationship we all grow to envy – it is the marker we all strive to achieve. Every day, they couldn’t wait to be together, to share in the minor successes or failures of the day, and to laugh the stress away.

My brother and I were so lucky – we truly had a dad. One who was up at six a.m. to take him to hockey practise, one who watched every one of my soccer games, and one who went to see me in a show, and stayed for the whole thing, even though I only had two lines in the first act. And regardless of how good or bad we were, he was always proud of us.

He was blessed with two of the most adorable grandchildren that the world has ever seen, and he used every opportunity to spend time with them. Even though he gave up a lot of “play time” with them so that my mom, or myself, could take his spot, he was content to sit back and just watch with love and pride in his eyes. He looked at them as if he couldn’t believe that he got so lucky as to have those bundles joy in his family.

Over the years, my dad turned out to be one of my best friends; I looked forward to spending time with him, talking about any number of topics that caught our interest, or just sharing a meal in silence.


I have a million stories about my dad – like how one of his favourite things about Christmas was the family trip to the fish shop, or how you could always tell when he’d had too much to drink because you could find him on his stomach, searching through his vinyl collection – where he’d find the song he was looking for, wink at you and say “Wanna see me make Carol cry?”. Or how he always insisted that within twenty minutes of him getting home at night, I had to give him a kiss hello.

My dad revelled in summer. He introduced us all to the lifestyle known as Jimmy Buffett. Whether we admit it or not, and most of us will, it is thanks to his influence that we all know that the REAL national anthem is Margaritaville, and even if it’s only noon here in Toronto, it’s five o’clock somewhere. Our house in the summer was filled with Jimmy tunes, tequila and backyard bar-b-ques. And I think we’re all better off for it because we know what it’s like to truly celebrate life in the summer sun.

I could go on for hours, and trust me, you’d be entertained. Because these are stories you’re all familiar with; they’re places you’ve been with him. You know all about his solution for Y2K – look for him in the wine cellar with a chair, a corkscrew, and his wine collection. You all have seen him shake it on the dance floor when Old Time Rock and Roll gets played on the radio. And when he talked about his trips to Italy or San Fran, you were there with him, because he made sure he never left out a single detail. His enthusiasm was contagious, and he inspired us to take chances, and to make the most of our lives.

My dad lived every day to its fullest, and never went one day without letting us know that he loved us. And he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was loved too. This world was a better place with him in it, and with him gone, there are a few more shadows. But, his spirit is always with us, and his inspiration will never fade.

I’d like to leave you with these two quotes – both from our friend Jimmy.

“If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from all this living,
It’s I wouldn’t change a thing if I let go.”

“some of it’s magic, some of it’s tragic,
But I had a good life, all the way.”


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Dona Nobis Pacem - Peace Globes - the 2010 edition







Yes I used the same quote last year - but I don't care.  It's one of my favourites.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Blog Blast for Peace

On November 4th, fly your globe proudly.  Join the Blog Blast for Peace movement.

To read about how it got started, go visit Mimi over at Bloggingham Palace .

To get your own peace globe for your blog, facebook or twitter, click here .


Join us in our quest.  It can't hurt, and can only help.




Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Forgive the sadness...

http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2010/07/mirror-hurts.html

Beautiful website - this one says it all for me today.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Monday, October 04, 2010

One Day at A Time...

No more tomorrow.  There is only today, and the choices I make.

Today, I choose to make myself a better person.

Today, I choose to be productive; I choose to work on changing the things I can, instead of worrying about the things I can't.

Today, I choose to give my love freely and without strings.  And if that love is not returned, it will still live on.  Because my love is unconditional, and not based on what I will receive in return.

Today, I choose to eat and drink what is good for me, and I choose to monitor my smoking.

Today, I choose to ignore the negative and focus only on the positive.

Today, I choose to be happy.  I choose not to cry or be stressed in any way.

Today, I choose truth, even if it'll never be believed.

Today, I choose me.

I know it won't be easy, but it will be worthwhile.  I choose to fight for my life and my happiness.  And if others make their choice to be a part of it, I will be grateful and never take them for granted again.

Today, I choose to live, not just exist.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Hello again!

WOW.  I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated on here.  I guess mainly because it's going to be the same shit I've been whining about for years.

I wish the heart attack would have woken me up more, and in certain ways it did.  But I guess not in the ways that count.  My diet is horrible and it frustrates me because I know how to take care of it.  I just don't know why I'm so apathetic.

Let's see - is there anything good going on?  Just school.  I go back for my second class in two weeks.  I'm really excited although it's going to be harder than the first one.  But I know I can do it.

I've got a lot of other stresses happening in my life.  I won't comment on my marriage, because it never fails that something that I post here turns out to bite me in the ass.

Shit - I thought I had a lot to say but everything I try to write I wind up erasing it.  Nothing seems to be coming out right and I'm feeling physically like shit right now.  All I want to do is cry.

I know y'all want to offer comfort and advice - in fact that seems to be all you do because my life is just that pathetic.  But I'm going to leave this up - just because I guess.  Maybe a reminder to myself that I'm still alive somewhere inside.  But I'm turning off comments.

I'm just grateful for any of y'all's company.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Be careful what you wish for....

I'm overwhelmed.  Seriously.

I feel like I'm drowning.  I can barely breathe.  Each breath feels like my last.  I'm gasping and struggling, and I feel like I'm going down for the third time. 

And there's no one to rescue me.

I have to pull myself out of this somehow.  And as much as I'd love to be able to follow all of your wonderful advice, it's not sticking.

I know I said that Rod & I needed time apart.  And I'm beginning to wonder why I ever wanted that to begin with.

See, I started another blog (yes, another one. When it's ready, I might make it public).  And this one is the story of my marriage - unedited and unadulterated.  Just the facts m'am.  After all, he deserves the truth to be told, after all the coloured views of him I've posted on here.

I won't remember everything - it's a given.  But the major mistakes, the ones that stick out in my mind, and the ones that he constantly reminds me of, those will be in there.

I've never been the innocent one.  Y'all know me.  But he never deserved the treatment I gave him.

And now, this blog is forcing me to remember things that I'd forgotten, things I'd taken for granted.  And to tell you the truth - it's killing me.  Yeah, he's made mistakes.  But he always tried to make up for them.  All I ever did was screw up, and expect it to be forgiven.  He's said that again and again.  And he's right.  Because I am who I am - a spoiled princess.

I've only gotten one entry out - the night we met.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - remembering seeing him for the first time, hearing his voice in person, the way his lips felt with that first kiss goodnight.  Just with the memories, I'm falling all over again.

I suck.

I'm trying for a second entry, but now memories are just flooding me so hard, like I said, I'm drowning in them.  Amazingly enough, right now, there's more good then bad.  And that's because the bad are mostly my fault.

I know it's up to me to fix this, but I don't know where to even begin.

I want him to fall in love with me again.  But more importantly, I want to be a woman who deserves his love again.  Apparently at one point I was.  I want to be again. 

But be careful what you wish for.  I wished for time to myself, and it looks like I'm going to get it - and soon.  He says he's going to be gone first week in July.  That gives me two weeks to enjoy time with him, assuming he spends any time at home.

Now I'm wondering why I thought I wanted it in the first place.





Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

God Gave Me You

Maybe....hopefully.....


God Gave Me You (Dave Barnes)

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately,
Aint who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

Chorus:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely,
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you

(Yeah)

Chorus:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be, I,
Can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has teathered, I,
Could baby never un-do

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt




Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Friday, May 14, 2010

It's Finally FRIDAY

Thank God I only have another *check clock* five hours or so to go before I can get out of here and try and enjoy my weekend.  And by enjoy I mean catch up on everything.

I took yesterday off.  I felt oogy and awful, and just needed more sleep.  Of course I also seriously over-caffeinated myself on Wednesday, which is one of the worst things you can do as a heart patient.  I have cut myself down to one large (or extra large depending on the day) double double from Tim's every morning.  And THAT'S IT.  I've cut out diet coke.  I even hardly drink any tea that's got caffeine.  I'm experimenting with herbals and fruit based ones.  But on Wed. I had my usual, and then I drank a diet coke (rare for me unless I'm mixing it but I ran out of spring water here at the office), and then before class I had one, and then one of the girls bought me a coffee on our fifteen.  So yeah, my body was doing insane things.

So I did manage to get some stuff done.  Like laundry.  Hubby had done a few loads - which I was kind of grateful for, but also kind of pissed me off because I think he shrunk my new white blouse which I've only worn twice - and so I put in one more and folded and put away what was done - mostly.  There's only two of us but somehow we accumulate a shit load of clothing. :S  Staying on top of it would be easier if I didn't share the laundry with my mom.  Who happens to be the BIGGEST procrastinator on laundry (next to me).

So - laundry done.  Then I swept all the crap off my dresser into a box, and started sorting.  Then I cleaned up my jewelery.  This is all stuff that I meant to do at some point, but hadn't gotten around to.  Then I showered and washed my hair.

FINALLY, with all that done, I was able to get in a solid two hours of school work. YES, my class started on May 4 and I'm really excited to be there.  My prof's name is Sam, and he used to have his own publishing house, but then it went under (as most small presses do) so he went on to become an agent.  Which isn't an avenue I'd considered, until now.  So that goes on the list as well.

But here's the thing that makes me stand out from the rest of the class - I'm the only AUTHOR, and also the only one that has absolutely NO POST SECONDARY EDUCATION.  Gleep!  Everyone else is intro'ing themselves and where they did their bachelor, MBA, undergrad work, etc. etc.  Talk about feeling out of place.  But that's ok.  Cuz I know I've got the brains to keep up with them.  Even if they really haven't been used in the better part of a decade.

But I'm a student.  And I have a student email with the university.  And I can get student deals at Dell and Apple, etc.  The only thing I'm not sure of is if I get a student card.  Wouldn't that be amazing? (Actually what I find amazing is the little things that are exciting me these days.  LOL).

So I have my first two assignments.  The first one was to choose a book by a Canadian author, pubbed by a Canadian house that was released within the last two weeks.  Managed to find one - now to track it's progress on "the list".  Well the Canadian list, not "the ultimate list".  LOL.

The second assignment is a book propsal - non fiction - based on a magazine/newspaper article or a website or a blog that we enjoy.  O_O

This is gonna be fun.

Well, two hours until the day is over.  Have a great one kiddies.


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What if....

EDITED TO ADD:  I'm even scared of leaving this post up because someone might run to DH and tell him, and he might take it all the wrong way.  Wouldn't be the first time it's happened.


I'm worried - big surprise right?

But I'm worried that my time will come and I'll look back on my life and see that I spent the majority of it afraid.  I'm worried that I'll go my entire life without ever having stood up for myself because I was worried about the reprecussions.

I'm worried that I'll have spent my whole life miserable because I was too much of a coward to take that one step that could have made all the difference between happiness and misery.  And I won't do it because of fear, and because of comfort.  And I won't even be comfortable.

I've spent my whole life so bloody uncomfortable in my own skin, never knowing who I truly am, or owning myself.  I've fought against giving in to society's pressures, for a reason.  They didn't feel right to me.  But neither does my life now.  And there are days I think that I maybe should have given in.

Maybe I should have had the baby.  Maybe I should have gone into something "non entertainment related" like teaching.  Maybe I shouldn't have cared if the popular kids liked me.

But I didn't have the baby.  I wasn't ready.  And I LOVE the entertainment industry.  I hate teaching.  And I did care if the popular kids liked me.

I can't change the things I did.  There's a lot of things that I did that I wouldn't change.  And, like the majority of us, there's a lot I would.  But I can't.

And now, I'm still that scared little girl that wants everyone to like her.  Hell, I'm still overweight.  The heart attack didn't change anything that way.  My life took a brief detour down a better path, but I wound right back up in the brambles - tangled up, cut and bruised and trying to fight my way out with a butter knife.

I hate my job - in case you couldn't figure that out.  Today, I asked the boss if we could put the heat on in the morning, just for a couple of hours, just to warm up the building because my hands are freezing, and I don't intend on wearing jeans to work for the whole damn summer.  We get no sunlight in here, so it's cold and breezy and awful.  I was told no, it costs too much money.

I want to refuse to come to work because these are lousy conditions.  I'm just flat out miserable.  My manager can't make any damn phone calls on his own and at least sixteen times a day I have to hear the words "Can you call....." even though it would be easier for HIM to make the damn calls because he has to tell me what to say anyway.  By the time he explains it all, and tells me how he wants it worded, he could have just as easily picked up the phone.  And then if the person on the other end has any questions, they would be answered right away instead of the incessant game of telephone Q & A we inevitably wind up playing.  And so when I hear those words....all I want to do is throw something large and heavy at his head.

Life at home is pretty miserable too.  DH & I are getting along I guess.  We both try to keep our mouths shut about things that are bothering us.  Because when they do get brought up, nothing gets done, except a major fight.  We both know we're not good for each other right now.  I don't take care of myself, he doesn't take care of himself.  Neither of us wants it to end, but if we don't do something about it - we're going to wind up fourty and hating each other.  It's been over an year and a half since I've confessed to my indiscretions, and all that's happened is a lot of spitting and hissing like cats.

I have a blog about it - about what's going on with us.  But no one can read it, except me, and today I went back and read all the entries.  I started it in September last year, and it's amazing how pathetic I sound.  Thank God no one can read it.  I'm a pathetic wimp with no backbone.  I'm embarrassed about half of what was written - not the sentiment behind it, but the wording itself.  And it's all the same shit.

So I'm scared to stand up for myself at work because then I won't be working.  And what would I do then?  Jobs aren't easy to come by.  And my boss might just be a prick enough to make sure I can't collect anything while looking for another job.

I'm scared to change things at home because what if DH is REALLY who I AM supposed to be with?  What if we split up and he decides to leave for good?  But then again, what if there is someone else out there who I'm meant to be with, and by staying with DH I never get the chance to find him?  Because I KNOW we're not meant to be, not this way - not the two people we are now.  But if things don't change, we're going to be the people we are now for the rest of our lives.


The most courageous thing I'm doing so far is going back to school.  But that's it.  The coward in me wants to stay where I am at work, stay in the marriage without a trial separation, and just keep things status quo.  Then MAYBE have a kid.  And even then, I'm not sure if I want to do it, or if I want it because DH wants it.

Yep - I'm a coward.  Maybe I should accept that it's my lot in life, and just leave it all at that.



Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Ranting and Rolling.....

**A TOTAL pissed off rant. If anyone who knows my boss reads this, there's no need for him to see it. I'm just frustrated.**

Dear Asshole Boss:

I’ve been working here for four years now. At the same miserable hourly rate I started at, only with a hell of a lot more work. When I was hired, I was told that if I was still here in three months, I’d get a raise.

Never happened. But what DID happen was the joker you had on the sales desk, who made MORE money than me, gave me half his workload to do, and I thought that I had to do it. So I did. Which left HIM free to play pool on the computer and listen to his mp3 through headphones. When I, out of sight from customers and staff, was on MSN, I got in shit for it, even though my work was complete. So I stopped.

Then I had my medical incident. I spent four months off recovering, and when I came back, I was given more responsibility because the joker got fired. BUT I was told that I’d get a raise. Not only was I moved out of my office onto the floor, I got the jokers job plus mine. And I STILL had free time, because I know how to do my work.

Still no raise. AND I find out that the joker made at LEAST four more dollars an hour than I did for doing a quarter of the work.

Now, not only am I OFFICIALLY doing two jobs, but I also handle all the fucking phone calls the department manager doesn’t want to deal with, I do all the shipping, plus all the bitch work that seems to come my way because I have a set of tits.

I am supposed to be able to take time off to care for my health, and my dr’s appointments, but yet, whenever I do I get THE LOOK. You know, the one where you roll your eyes and bite your tongue and stop yourself from saying stuff like “Aren’t you better yet?”

NO PECKERHEAD - I’m not better yet. This is something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my pathetic little life and for the amount of goddamned stress you put on me IT’S NOT WORTH IT.

You’re never around, instead concentrating your efforts on another business the owner just HAD to open (because your fucking friends needed work), even though they’ve now got four sales people, plus two drivers and the manager. How many front office staff do we have? TWO. That’s it. To take care of sales, and warranties and receivables and problems and issues and office bullshit.

Today, when you ask about the vacation time I put in for - two weeks, plus three days - you had the most vicious snotty tone I’d ever heard. I wasn’t asking for pay for the additional three days. In fact, I don’t even have to ASK for the time off. I can just tell you I’m taking it because it’s doctor mandated. But instead of calling in * cough cough * sick for three days, I figured I’d be up front about it. So I told you to forget it. Never mind I only took a week last year. You don’t think of that shit do you?

But fuck that. I’ll get a note from my doctor - hell ALL of my doctors if that’s what’s required. I come in to work when I’m sick, when I’m exhausted, with chest pains and all. My blood pressure goes through the roof, my blood sugar goes haywire and I STILL come in. And the one day I was coughing up a fucking storm, I get asked by the fucking douchebag I have to work with - the one that thinks anyone who hasn’t worked here twenty years isn’t worth his time and yet he gives me all the shit to deal with - in his “world weary god spare me from the peasants” tone of voice “Do you need to go home?”

Nah - I’ll just spit up a lung right here on my desk.

And for the record - my cell phone is NOT the company grapevine. You have a fucking cell phone and a call list. YOU CAN CALL THE DRIVERS IF YOU NEED THEM FOR WORK. While you’re at it, the head builder is in California? YOU text him.

I don’t get paid nearly enough to put up with all this shit plus more. I have to deal with every fucking idiot that wants to try and sell us something. I have no idea what we’re paying for our fucking oil and cleaners because I DON’T USE THEM. Don’t pass those idiots over to me. I am rude and obnoxious to these people. It’s bad enough that the guy who doesn’t speak English properly is the accounts rep that we’ve been assigned through our local office supply place and I have tried putting him off a million times only to have him call back.

My lunch break, regardless of where I choose to take it is just that. MY lunch break. I take it at one so that you cretins can have a relatively peaceful lunch break without having to answer phones. So don’t take your lunch at the same time I take mine. Oh yeah, it won’t matter because as long as I’m at my desk eating, you’ll fuck off and do whatever you want so that I have no choice but to answer the phones and take orders and in general all the stuff I was doing during YOUR lunch break so that you can eat in peace. So unless I eat in the lunch room, which usually stinks, or go outside for lunch, where there’s no where to sit so I have no choice but to take a walk (to where I have no idea), then I’m still working during my break. Which you justify by saying I spend too much time on the net during the day. Which brings me to my next point.

I have been chastised a million times for being on the internet during work hours, but you know what? THERE’S NO FUCKING WORK TO DO. In a bid to keep myself busy I have cleared out the storage/supply closet, only to have it messed again within a matter of hours. I have cleaned every dish in the place. I have re-arranged every filing cabinet, updated stock numbers, entered purchase orders, cleaned desks, and made scratch pads out of recycled paper.

AND THERE’S STILL NOTHING TO DO.

Yeah, I’m working, which I am grateful for. And in this economy, it’s a good thing. But you can’t tell me that the meager pay cheque you give me is worth the hits my sanity and my health are taking. You are not only screwing ME over, but the husband as well, who quit his job because you told him that you wanted him to manage a shop. This was two years ago and he’s now only working four days a week, and half of that is a commute an hour away with no gas reimbursement. So we can’t afford to quit, to split or to even die right now. This company is the biggest fucking joke and I don’t care how nice our owner is, or what FUTURE you see for either of us right now.

FUCK YOU AND THE GODDAMNED COMPANY.

I’m tired of being your bitch.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Some good news ...

Yeah for once right? LOL.

So, in addition to the changes to my diet that I mentioned in my last entry, and the attempt to find a new job, I have now enrolled in school. Yes kids, I'm a student once again.

I have decided that I want to help writers get their voices heard, like a wonderful lady did for me by publishing just ONE of my stories. This is something I've been thinking about for awhile now, and finally decided to look into it. On Thursday, I finally did. I went to an information night and registered for my first course.

I am taking Publishing Overview for Trades.

And I am scared shitless. It's been almost fifteen years since I was last in a classroom. And that course was something I wasn't interested in.

So, starting in May, on Wednesday nights for three hours, I will be in class.

It's a huge step. But it's rather exhilarating. If it goes well, I will go on to get my certificate, which in turn will help me with my ultimate goal, which is to open my own, small publishing house. Of course I'd love to make a ton of money, but even being able to support myself and keep a business afloat would be a dream come true.

And second good news - for the first time in ten years, I put on pants that were size 16! I'm down a size. :D Looks like my little changes are working. And I couldn't be more pleased.

Slowly the items on my lists are being checked off one by one.

It feels good to accomplish things.



Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

One of those days....

There might be more than one entry today. It’s just one of those days. Too much stress in too many areas of my life. If I put them all in one post, blogger will go BOOM and then there’ll be little pieces of Angell all over and that wouldn’t good. I’m hard to clean up :P

I am having chest pains today. Which concerns me, as they haven’t really been around in awhile. I’ve been cutting a lot of crap out of my diet lately, and did what I thought was impossible - I cut my caffeine consumption to averaging one a day. Some days it might be two and on the rare occasion it’s three. I have one cup of coffee in the morning, and then water for the rest of the day. Diet Coke, which was a two-to-three cans a day habit, is now more like a two to three cans a week habit. I’m eating more veggies, making lunches for work and trying to avoid eating anything that might kill me when I’m out.

Of course it’s hard to kill bad habits immediately. But I think I’m on the right path. As I approach the two year anniversary of my heart attack, I look back and wonder where I’d be right now if I’d taken these steps back then. After my recovery, I started to make the changes. But then it was right back to old habits once I went back to work. I bitched on and on about the lack of support at home, but in truth, I was just being a child, expecting everyone to do the work for me, and I would just eat what was put in front of me.

I knew I had to plan, I knew I had to execute. And yet I couldn’t do it. I was still stuck in my teenage years, in so many ways.

I don’t know what caused my survival instinct to just kick in. But I know that it has. I know I still have a long way to go - I need to work out and get moving. It can’t be just the food that I eat. And I have to stop stressing, which means finding a new job, one that will pay me what I’m worth.

Lately at work, all I do is sit around and surf the net. My actual duties are done within an hour. The rest of the time is spent waiting for the phone to ring with orders. For three years, I’ve been stuck at the same measly hourly wage, even when I came back from my recovery and was promised that I’d receive a raise for taking on the duties of another job. And while my job description keeps growing, my hour wage has stayed the same. I was originally doing receivables. When I came back from recovery, they had let one of the sales guys go, and I took over his job. He was making at least four more dollars an hour than I am now, and I did most of his job anyway before my heart attack.

I’m the only woman in the company, and there’s nowhere to go from this position. And to top it off, the owner of the company has so many more businesses, we fall to the wayside. He’s a nice guy, but he’s one of those men who always has to be busy and, my personal opinion, can never have enough money.

In the last two weeks I’ve been so bored I’ve reorganized the files, cleared out the storage room, washed the desks, re-arranged my desk drawers three times, and cleaned my washroom top to bottom.

I’m looking for a new job where I can possibly be creative, but more importantly, one that provides a challenge. The only thing left for me to do here is to learn how to rebuild a transmission, and frankly, NO. I have no interest in mechanics. Our accountant keeps telling me I can have his job when he retires. But I have no interest in staying with this company. I should have had at least two raises by now. When I was first hired, I was supposed to have one after three months - didn’t happen. And then when I came back, I was promised one. So far, no raise in sight, even though every time my general manager gets drunk he tells me that I need a raise. I feel like saying NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

And when I have to leave to do a security gig (I never leave early but right at five o’clock I’m out the door) I get comments like “well, why do you need that job?” And I feel like saying “Well you asshole, how about this for a reason? You don’t PAY me enough.”
I know I should be grateful I’m working, and that this job has benefits (regardless of how minimum they are - no vision coverage, minimal dental and 80% medical which is a god send because otherwise my medications would probably add up to almost $1000 every three months), but I need MORE. My brain has atrophied and I’m so totally stressed before I even walk in the door.

I just want to work in a place where I’m challenged, where I can be creative and have fun, and where my input is valued. Oh yeah, and where I’m paid what I’m worth. Maybe I can find a place like that. I HOPE I can find a place like that.

At least now I can say that I’m trying to change my life, whereas before I just sat here and hoped that it would change.

AND I’m going to TRY and not be all “Poor little old me.” anymore in these posts. I will somehow banish all negativity. I should feel better then.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Every kid deserves a gift....


Ok, I've been remiss in posting, caught up in my own little dramas.

But I can't stay that way. Not at this time of the year.

This article was posted in today's Toronto Sun, and it made me think long and hard about everything I have.

Sure, I've got problems. We all do. Mostly monetary, and it affects everything we do. It affects our attitude, our moods, our lives.

But what if you didn't have anything?

I made a vow last Christmas to myself that this year, I would do things to make a difference in people's lives. And somehow I am finding the strength to do just that.

My first Christmas wish, as I posted on Facebook this morning, is that everyone on my friends list, and everyone that reads here, find a way to donate at least one unwrapped toy to a program in their city. If this article is an indication of anything, it's a pattern that is emerging this holiday season.

Here are a few links to programs here in Toronto, in case I have any readers in the area.

Chum City Christmas Wish

Salvation Army Canada

Kidsbank (not just for Christmas)

Good Shepherd Toy & Food Drive (out of Hamilton, but still applicable)


I know that times are tough. And people are getting more and more cynical as the days go by. Speaking with a good friend last night, he reminded me that Christmas is just one day where everyone is kind to one another, and then society as a whole goes back to being selfish assholes.

One of my changes I plan on making in myself this year is a change from within. I no longer want to be a selfish asshole in tune with the rest of the world. I want to make a difference, even a small one, in someone's life, every chance I get.

Not just at Christmas, but all year round.

I hope you'll join me.

EDITED TO ADD: I love this movie, but this part is definitely my favourite.




Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Blog Blast for Peace




Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Monday, October 26, 2009

HELP! I need somebody...

Ok, but not in the way you guys think.

More time for explanations later when I'm not under the watchful eye of the boss. But if ANYONE out there can get me a copy of the piano music for Lee Aaron's "What'cha Do To My Body?" and can get it to me before Wednesday 4pm EST, I'll love you forever!



Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Monday, October 19, 2009

BlogBlast for Peace...Join the Cause


It's almost time kids. Of course I don't have to tell most of you that.

But, in case you've been under a rock for the last two years, or you're new to the blogosphere, this is what Blog Blast for Peace is all about:



BlogBlast For Peace Meme ~ Join The Revolution

Here are the rules and the story.

Copy this into a post and tag as many people as you'd like.

The Peace Globe project began in the fall of 2006 with a simple post from one blog. The post ignited a flame in the bloggosphere. The flame became a passion. The passion became a movement. It amazingly traveled from blog to blog to blog across the globe. Bloggers wrote passionate articles on what peace means to them, along with the promise of three Latin words scribbled on a globe - Dona Nobis Pacem (Grant Us Peace) - branded with the integrity of their names or blog names. It was positively ins
piring to watch. And it began to happen all over the world - from Singapore to China to Afghanistan to Brooklyn.

It was simple. And powerful.

We will speak with one voice. One subject. One day.

Won't you join us?


On 5 November 2009, DISPLAY YOUR GLOBE IN A POST. Title your post "Dona Nobis Pacem". This is important. The goal is for all blog post titles to say the same thing on the same day. Write about peace that day or simply fly your globe.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE TAGGED TO PLAY.

Please consider passing this meme through the bloggosphere.

This is Mimi Pencil Skirt reporting from the lovely land of the Peace Globes.

Memeing the Movement.


End quote from Mimi Writes...


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So there you have it kids. I've been participating since the inception (I don't think I've missed one) and to go through the blogosphere and see the globes, from one end of this world to the other, is so heart warming, and gives a real sense of hope for the future of this planet. And for the future of mankind.

For a post that truly does this cause justice, pop on over to the Couch and have a seat. Vinny never fails to find the right words to truly bring it all together.


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

cold....

The distance between us is overwhelming.
I used to be able to see
your heart from anywhere I was.

Now the wall around it is so high
I can barely see the top.

I used to be able to feel your love
just by coming home.
Now it's just a house.
Cold.
Angry.
Empty.

Nothing.

As long as your anger smoulders
I'll never feel warmth.

As long as your hatred builds
I'll never feel love.

As long as you cannot forgive
I'll always be alone.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Johnny Castle is immortal




The blogo-sphere is probably filled with pictures and tributes to the man who made dancing cool for guys to do.

Patrick Swayze made Dirty Dancing what it was. There was a great supporting cast, but he just shone right through as the star.

I loved him from the very first moment I saw him in The Outsiders. Playing Darry, the big brother, doing his best to keep his family together.




I have nothing deep to say today about his passing, nothing that I can type out at this time. I knew once I heard that he had pancreatic cancer that his death sentence had been proclaimed. My aunt - God rest her - passed away from it within a year of being diagnosed. I can only imagine how much pain he was in towards the end.

My heart is in sorrow. His performances meant more to me than I will ever be able to say. Each one struck a chord in me.

Johnny Castle, Darry Curtis, Dalton, Sam Wheat, Derrek Sutton, Vida....all those roles will live on in my heart, as will Patrick.




It's amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you.




I hope so. Rest in Peace Patrick.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Friday, June 26, 2009

and as the world mourns....

It's one of those times when you realize how much you need the people you care about, and who care about you.

Michael Jackson's passing was, to say the least, a total and complete shock to most. But as was pointed out to me, he was never in the best of health, and rumor has it that he only ate once a day, consuming minimal calories in order to keep his weight down.

This week, the entertainment world lost three icons. And wives lost husbands, children lost parents, parents lost a child....it happens daily but we don't hear about the tragedy of it all because 99% of them aren't famous. It doesn't make their deaths any less important. And just because the world feels that entertainers belong to the public doesn't mean that they do. They still have families, friends and private lives.

I honestly hope that people respect that fact and allow those closest to mourn their own way, in their own places, without being under a microscope. For a much better tribute than I could ever produce, please go have a seat on the Couch and check out Vinny's amazing post about Michael.

This was passed on to me this morning, and rather than pass it on to all my women friends, and clutter up your inboxes, I decided to post it here, to also share it with those that visit.

To all the men in my life, this isn't to say that we don't appreciate you, and all you do for us. But sometimes, a girl just needs her sisters.



You may have seen this before, if so enjoy, if not, enjoy! How true it is. Each of you, for your own reasons are important to me and I appreciate and value your friendship and support.


A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marrriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter..

'Don't forget your sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them..'

'Remember that 'sisters' means ALL the women...your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

' What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life..

After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.

BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end..

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other..



Y'all know who you are. I can't thank you enough for being my sisters.





Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

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With love and pride