la tristesse....

Been feeling this way for awhile. No real energy to do anything, or to write. As my life is falling apart, I have to help one of my best friends plan the rest of hers. As maid of honor for her wedding, it's my job to be there for her during the madness that is planning. And I don't feel up to it - I feel like I'll let her down.

I just feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out for a very, very long time.

Image courtesy of http://codezila.bloxode.com/images/118270602947.jpeg

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Wishes

If wishes came true
you would wake up every morning
happy to be beside me
excited for the possibilities
the new day brings
eager to share them together.

If wishes came true
angry words would never have
been spoken or heard,
mistakes that can never be erased
would not have been,
and only mundane problems
would mar our little world.

If wishes came true
you would hold me tight as I cried
whispering soft words of comfort;
every tear would be kissed away
by lips sure and steady, and
strong hands would caress my back,
pulling me against you,
conveying all that words can't.

If wishes came true
you would fall in love with me
every sunrise and sunset
and you would know in your heart
that all is right,
that this is real,
that we are one,
forever.


©Angell 2009

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

dealing....

Hey everyone.



Been awhile since I've really blogged. It’s not for lack of things to say, but an over abundance of it. I don’t know where to begin.

First off, my resolutions have gone to hell in a handbasket. My health sucks, my energy level is non-existant, and what I do have I have to fake my way through. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. For reasons I’ve mentioned before, it looks like my husband and I might be separating. It’s actually to save us, because there are a lot of issues right now that I don’t think even councelling would help. But it’s heartbreaking, because I thought we’d been getting along better than ever lately. But lately doesn’t erase the damage years of fighting and mistrust has caused. I’m hoping that we can bounce back from this. I know I’m supposed to convince myself I’m a strong individual and I can bounce back from anything, but I can’t make myself believe it. Part of me thinks he’ll be a lot happier without me and my insane family.

I don’t think I’ve fully dealt with my heart attack. There are days I’ll just start having panic attacks at the slightest twinge in my chest. I can’t seem to keep it together. And then there are days that I feel that I should never have survived it. Because I don’t feel my life is worthwhile. I honestly can’t seem to think of one thing that I’ve done right in my thirty-four years here on this Earth. And some will say that I say that to elicit pity or wring complements from people. But I’m just stating a fact. To be honest, it disturbs me sometimes that I feel that way. But how do you stop the way you feel? I wish it was simple to turn feelings off – my life would be SO much easier.

Again, my job is a major source of stress for me, as is money. But I have to keep reminding myself to be thankful that I’m employed. Even if I am underpaid, and overworked, and there’s a ton of shit that finds its way into my job description daily. It’s better than being at home all the time. I did that during recovery. One or two days is nice, but then it’s boring because everyone’s either at work or taking care of their kids. And as much as I say I love being alone, I get lonely very quickly.

My house is a mess. No matter how hard I try to clean and organize, we just have too much stuff and too little space. I’ve gotten rid of bags of stuff, and thrown out what could be. I’ve tried downsizing wardrobes and stocked items. But it still always looks like a disaster. Which stresses me out too. I honestly don’t like messy things. I do like being organized. I just don’t have the tenacity that this giant mess needs. I get fed up very easily and just give in to the urge to pile it all up and sit and watch tv. Which is how I’m spending most of my time these days, despite having a notebook full of amazing (if I do say so myself) ideas for writing. Plus I still have the bachelorette party of the century to plan.

Logically, I tell myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. Logically, I believe it. However, somehow the message gets lost in the translation when I try to make my heart believe and agree. My heart seems to want to give up on everything, like it’s tired and can’t be bothered anymore. So my body follows suit. I feel old, and used up. A failure. The only saving grace is that I’m too chicken to actually take myself out. And I can’t afford a hit man (feeble attempt at a joke). As much as I’m miserable in my life, I simply cannot do that to those that love me.

I though that getting all this off my chest would make me feel better, but it doesn’t. Because I’m sure I’ve now caused some of you to worry about me, and that really wasn’t my intention. I could, in all honesty, not post this, and just keep it as a draft, but isn’t this what blogs are for? Sharing with your readers, and getting things off your chest? So I will keep it up, and hope that I haven’t caused any of you worry. Because there really is no reason to worry. Despite all this, I have no plans on going anywhere for a long time.


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Not the most Thrilling Post....

As a musicals fan, and a HUGE fan of the movie itself - I'm not quite sure how I feel about this.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090312/stage_nm/us_stage_heathers_1

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) – Get ready for "Heathers: The Musical."

The influential 1988 dark comedy about high school, which launched the careers of Winona Ryder, Christian Slater and writer Daniel Waters, is stagebound in a production being developed by Andy Fickman, director of "Race to Witch Mountain," who is returning to his musical roots.

Fickman, who directed the musical "Reefer Madness," is working with "Reefer" partner Kevin Murphy, who is writing the "Heathers" lyrics and the book, and composer Larry O'Keefe, who earned a Tony nomination for best score for the Broadway version of "Legally Blonde."

The trio has worked on the production under the radar for some time. In a recent reading, "Veronica Mars" star Kristen Bell played the lead and Christian Campbell was J.D., with Jenna Leigh Green ("Wicked"), BrokeDown Cadillac lead singer Corri English and Christine Lakin (the CW's "Valentine") as the three Heathers.

The actors doing the reading will not necessarily do the musical; that depends on their availability when the play is mounted.

The project has the blessing of Waters, who controls the underlying rights to the material. Fickman said he sat down with the screenwriter early on "to make sure we were on the same page" and that Waters has seen the readings.

"He understood that our goals were to be creatively attuned to his original work," said Fickman.

The film offered many over-top-moments as well as choice lines, something Fickman is eager to bring out musically.

"'I love my dead gay son,'" Fickman quoted. "If you can get that into a song, then that is just perfect."

The creative team hopes to have a fully mounted regional production ready for 2010, followed ideally by a Broadway run.


What say you movie/theatre fans? Any thoughts?

(and yeah, I promise to get a better entry out soon...possibly tomorrow)


Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

WOAH - I'm a slacker...

K - I know I've been neglectful. It happens. I just have way too much to say, so much so that it clogs up in the brain and I'm left a drooling, stammering moron with no clue how to string together four simple words, let alone articulate everything that's been going through my head. So, let's start simply.

It's been brought to my attention that tomorrow is an important day in the blog-o-sphere. It is the celebration of the birth of that smooth talking, Wild Irish Rose drinking, soon to be no meat eating, chain smoking, Schmoop loving, Jeebus worshiping deity known as MATT MAN. For a truly fitting tribute, as obviously mine does not do him justice, go sit for a spell on the Couch and check out Vinny's wonderful words of praise and celebration. Matt, if you happen to read this dude, just know one thing. If it wasn't for your blog, and the in-your-face-tell-it-like-it-is-hold-nothing-back way in which you reveal the truth about life to us, my reservation at the Coo-Coo (ka-choo - I am NOT the walrus) Inn would have been filled a long time ago. Thank you for keeping me laughing when it feels like there's nothing left to laugh about. I might not always comment, but I'm always reading. Schmoop is definately one lucky lady - or at least she will be when she gets to claim the life insurance.

Ok, next thought out of my head. I HATE MY JOB. I know that in this economy I should be grateful to even be working, but all that keeps happening is that the men in my office decide to dump all the shit on my desk that they dont' feel like doing. I've been there for over two years and when I got the job, it was just doing collections. I was told though, that I would get a raise after a little while. I never did. NOW, I'm doing sales, collections and a whole bunch of other shit that was NEVER in my job description. It looks like I might finally get a raise, but yesterday, I just about had a nervous breakdown. Not only was I doing my regular job, answering the phones and collections, the guys just dumped all sorts of paperwork on me. And then proceeded to DO NOTHING. The phones were ringing off the hook - we have ten lines - and one of the guys was standing there just talking to someone. He couldn't take two seconds to say to the guy "Excuse me, I need to get this." and then just put the damn call on hold. No, I'm trying to take an order with three lines ringing in my damn ear. I just about flipped out, and I almost was in tears. This job is going to be the death of me, I can feel it.

And it doesn't look like I'll be able to move out in June either. With Hubby's hours at work getting cut down, and me having as many sick days (see below) and dr's appt's (therefore missing hours), I wasn't able to put any money away last month, which already puts me $500 behind my goal. I can't get anything to go right for me. I'm going to be doing my cardiac class through to May the way things are going. I'm not supposed to go to the hospital (for class) when I'm sick. And with my muscle injury (again see below) I wasn't able to walk. So I've missed three classes so far this year, and we're only coming up on the sixth Monday. So my weight loss is behind as well.

I've been in pain for the last three weeks. I did something to my trap muscle, and it's been in major pain. But because of the heart meds I'm on, I can't use anti-inflamatories. So the doc at the clinic put me on percs. I tried not to take them, and for the first two nights managed fine. But then day three came along and WOAH, I was in wayyyy too much pain to ignore it. I had to take two days off work and wasn't able to do anything. The doctor said that it could take weeks to work itself out. Even sitting on the phone was painful cuz I had to have my neck at a certain angle. The pain would start at any time, and it was so bad I almost wanted to go to sleep for three weeks. It's still a bit painful, and kicks in whenever it feels like it. I'm coping. What I can say about the percs is woooooah. NICE. I slept very well.

My grandfather has been in the hospital almost a month. It's unnerving because they don't know what's wrong with him. He went in because he couldn't walk, and they kept him on a gurney for five days. Then he had a high fever, and kidney stones that they apparently couldn't do anything about. My grandmother has been staying with us all this time, and as much as I love her, she drives me crazy. And my poor mother is about to crack under the strain of everything. She's working, taking care of my grandmother, going to visit my grandfather, listening to my aunt and uncle both bitch about their lives. My aunt has been miserable in her marriage the last five years at least, and now is finally getting the balls to do something about it. Unfortunately she's alienated pretty much all her friends, who only come around when she's throwing a party, so the only people she's got to bitch to are my mom, and my two cousins. And mom has no one to bitch to (because you don't bitch about family to friends, at least SHE doesn't) except myself and my cousins, one of whom is away at university, and the other who is the biggest drama queen in the universe. I swear he is. So it all falls on my shoulders cuz I live with her. And my dad's sick of listening to her about my aunt - after thirty eight years of the woman making EVERYTHING about her, he's had it. SIGH. I'm telling you, one day we're going to turn on the news and mom's going to be in a clock tower with a rifle.

Hubby's doing ok. We're going to see Happy Days - the Musical for his birthday tomorrow night. The critics didn't really enjoy it, but I've never been one to listen to them. And besides, he's a huge Happy Days fan. Ok, more specifically, he's a huge Fonzie fan. I think he'll enjoy it. He's been working his ass off too. The trouble with working for the same company is that you know when there's been problems in the other departments and you hear about it before the other person can tell you - which makes for some silent car rides home. But I figure that's ok, we're de-stressing, right?

I would like to know what is going on with this world though. I read in the paper yesterday about a 12 year old boy who was taken into custody because he brought - are you ready for this? - a double edged bayonet AND a gun to school. TWELVE YEARS OLD? Like what the hell? It really doesn't matter that the firing pin had been removed from the gun and that the barrel was stuffed. It's still a gun! The reason? Because he was bullied and verbally abused by other students. It makes me sick to think that kids are coming to this though. With no other way of dealing with this than turning to violence and weapons. I can understand why - there's no fear of authority in the kids today. At least not here. We've got this dumb ass thing called the Youth Criminal Justice Act, which protects those under the age of 18 who commit crimes. And yes, in most cases, that even covers murder. In 98% of all cases, when crimes are commited by a minor, they can't be identified by either their name or their image. To do so gives the defense a reason to have the case thrown out of court, and if there's need to do so, prosecutors have to jump through hoops to get permission. There's no fear of retribution, no fear of punishment. If they do get caught and sent to juvie, they're out by the age of 18. Then they're free to commit adult crimes. And what's even better? They're prior records can't be brought into court. Even if they're adults when they're caught for the crime, if it was done before the age of 18, they cannot be named. It's bullshit and there are days when I wonder if I really want to bring a child into this fucked up world. Not to say that there's anything wrong with doing so. Just not sure if it's right for me.

SIGH. So much more going through my head. I wish I could get it all out. Maybe then I could sleep properly. I've got ideas for writing, and I can't get any of them down. I'm currently in the market for a netbook. That way I can write and surf just about anywhere (I know - that has wireless). But also, that way I don't need the six million notebooks I've got. I'm tired of looking for something I've written, only to find part of it in one notebook and then I can't remember where I put the other part of it. My grandmother offered to pay for at least half of one for my birthday , which I know isn't until July, but I could get the present early.

Then there's Brenda's wedding, which I'm the maid of honor for. I haven't even started planning the bachelorette party yet. I had an idea about going to Niagara Falls (originally the plan was for Vegas, but that was if she was getting married in 2010). But she wanted to move it closer to in town that way more people could make it. I almost told her that she's the bride, she has no say in this. LOL. So there's that to do.

Oh I think I feel an ulcer coming on. I KNOW I'm getting a migrane.

Enjoy the weekend kiddies. I hope to be back posting again really soon.

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Tunes to blog to...The Blogger Album Project

I caught this one over at Trav's Thoughts.

It's called the Bloggers Album Project, and it's being hosted by Robert Rouse, who enters the blogosphere from Left of Centrist.

Robert says this about his undertaking:

I started the Blogger Album Project to discover how diverse - or collective - the Blogosphere is when it comes to taste in music. So far, the choices are interesting - to say the least! Many great albums - most I have owned - some I have never heard of, but will check out because of this list.

So I figured why the hell not? I love finding all types of new music, so I'm going to join in on this wonderful endeavour. But how to choose just seven? So I checked out the most played list on my iPod and these are the ones that came up.

Jimmy Buffet - Feeding Frenzy Live!
Styx - Edge of the Century
Across the Universe - Soundtrack (Various Artists)
Moxy Fruvous - Bargainville
Lawrence Gowan - ...but you can call me Larry
Def Leppard - Hysteria
Moulin Rouge - Soundtrack

As my friends know, my taste in music is very eclectic, but these are a few of the albums I know the best. Pop on over and take a look at the diversity already in progress!

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

HAPPY NEW BEER...I MEAN YEAR!

I hope that this post finds everyone safe, happy and relatively recovered from last night's festivities - whether it be alcohol induced coma's or just a late night of playing trivial pursuit with good friends (I have done both on New Years). Last night was alcohol induced for myself and the hubby, and a few good friends.

I was going to resolve not to make any resolutions, but I decided that they can't be all that bad. Resolutions, as a rule, are a plan to better yourself. And there's nothing wrong with that.

With that being said - I give to you, my friends, my resolutions for the year 2009:

1. I resolve that by my friend B's wedding, in which I am her maid of honor, in July, I will have lost an additional fourty pounds. I plan on doing this by increasing my cardio workouts and decreasing the amount of times I use the drive thru at fast food restaurants.

2. I resolve that by June of this year, I will have saved a minimum of $3000 in order to fulfill my dream of moving out of the suburbs and into the city. I have an area where I'd like to live all picked out, and it will then be a matter of finding a reasonably priced dwelling. I plan on accomplishing this by putting a portion of my paycheck into savings, plus maximizing my coupon usage, which I didn't this past year, taking more security shifts, and by cutting down on my "entertainment" costs. I also plan on renting a small storage unit and finding deals on furniture on craigslist and kijiji.

3. I resolve that I will finally finish the novella that I started. I plan on doing this by spending less time surfing the net, and watching tv, and more time writing and concentrating on my project.

4. I resolve to be a more generous person with my time and limited resources. I plan on doing this by juggling my schedule to work volunteering at a shelter or the animal shelter at least once a month. *This one I hope to accomplish, but I do have to remember to take care of myself*

5. I resolve to take better care of myself, not just my physical well being (see resolution #1) but my mental health as well. I plan to do this by deep breathing exersizes, and by not letting what I can't control stress me out. I plan to try to remember that I cannot control the actions or feelings of others, all I can control is myself. I don't need extra stress, I don't want extra stress.

6. I resolve to be a better friend. I plan to do this by making sure I touch base with all my friends at least once a week, whether it be through email or a phone call. I will listen more, give less advice - unless asked - and in general, will be the shoulder that they need, whether it's to laugh or cry on.

7. I resolve to read more. But not just the trashy romance novels that have overtaken my bookshelves. I plan on reading more classics and intelligent offerings. I plan to do this at night, before bed, and in the bathtub.

8. I resolve to keep a more organized house. I plan to do this by taking one day and just overhauling my closet, and by re-reading the how-to book on this subject that I have read once before, thought brilliant, and then discarded into the "already done" pile.


I'm sure there's more. But these are the ones that I can think of, and for the first time ever, I think I can keep them, because I have a plan of attack. Before, it was always just - I resolve to lose weight - but never a HOW I can accomplish it.

Putting it in writing makes it seem possible.

So tell me, what, if any, are YOUR resolutions? What can you do for your life that will make 2009 a better year than 2008?

Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.