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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Be careful what you wish for....

I'm overwhelmed.  Seriously.

I feel like I'm drowning.  I can barely breathe.  Each breath feels like my last.  I'm gasping and struggling, and I feel like I'm going down for the third time. 

And there's no one to rescue me.

I have to pull myself out of this somehow.  And as much as I'd love to be able to follow all of your wonderful advice, it's not sticking.

I know I said that Rod & I needed time apart.  And I'm beginning to wonder why I ever wanted that to begin with.

See, I started another blog (yes, another one. When it's ready, I might make it public).  And this one is the story of my marriage - unedited and unadulterated.  Just the facts m'am.  After all, he deserves the truth to be told, after all the coloured views of him I've posted on here.

I won't remember everything - it's a given.  But the major mistakes, the ones that stick out in my mind, and the ones that he constantly reminds me of, those will be in there.

I've never been the innocent one.  Y'all know me.  But he never deserved the treatment I gave him.

And now, this blog is forcing me to remember things that I'd forgotten, things I'd taken for granted.  And to tell you the truth - it's killing me.  Yeah, he's made mistakes.  But he always tried to make up for them.  All I ever did was screw up, and expect it to be forgiven.  He's said that again and again.  And he's right.  Because I am who I am - a spoiled princess.

I've only gotten one entry out - the night we met.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - remembering seeing him for the first time, hearing his voice in person, the way his lips felt with that first kiss goodnight.  Just with the memories, I'm falling all over again.

I suck.

I'm trying for a second entry, but now memories are just flooding me so hard, like I said, I'm drowning in them.  Amazingly enough, right now, there's more good then bad.  And that's because the bad are mostly my fault.

I know it's up to me to fix this, but I don't know where to even begin.

I want him to fall in love with me again.  But more importantly, I want to be a woman who deserves his love again.  Apparently at one point I was.  I want to be again. 

But be careful what you wish for.  I wished for time to myself, and it looks like I'm going to get it - and soon.  He says he's going to be gone first week in July.  That gives me two weeks to enjoy time with him, assuming he spends any time at home.

Now I'm wondering why I thought I wanted it in the first place.





Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

God Gave Me You

Maybe....hopefully.....


God Gave Me You (Dave Barnes)

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately,
Aint who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

Chorus:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely,
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you

(Yeah)

Chorus:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be, I,
Can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has teathered, I,
Could baby never un-do

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt




Stay sane inside insanity ~ and never forget your towel.

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With love and pride